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(no subject) [Feb. 17th, 2005|12:53 am]
i_am_your_idea
[mood |bouncybouncy]

Thursday, January 20, 2005
9:11PM
great day today!

woke up late and was late for college. yvonne was buzy getting stuff organised for the designer dog exhibition, which includes my fablous 'drunken taxidermist's dog', which as stacey pointed out was suposed to be a 'miserable hairdresser's dog' (by random selection of words, as in dadaism) but mine turned out to be more of a drunken texidermists's dog! it looks rather, erm, *nervously uses new phrase* rat-arsed, with a big red tounge, dripping with glue-gun salvia, lulling out of its mouth, and half close shiney eyes... it is mostly made out of a coca cola cup. i didnt make a body, so i put it on a shield, like a deer's head.. hence the taxidermist. plus the whole thing is going to be an a rather drunken angle.. hehe! julias dog is basically phils dog with extra tattoos and piercings and a jaw like an open drawer. helens dogs are a bit magic roundaboutish, and very hairy, with rather mad sunglasses. heathers dog is made out of perfume bottle, with hair bands around it, and cotton wool, nailfiles etc, and was going to have a penis (in heathers words 'just so that its there, if anyone is looking for it'!!), but yvonne wouldnt let her make one for it! how mean! also there is a map dog, bus driver dog, space dog.. . etc etc. its all very cool!
today i got totally absorbed in textiley things. and found a way of making fake hand stitching with a soldering iron through layers of orgaza fabric. i worked for about 4 hours of making my hooved mammals into rather beautiful textile pieces. hannah worked on her textiley thing too. im sure the molten plastic flumes cant have been good for us!
i was sorry about hannahs difficult situation at the moment. her mother is saying that she has to find somewhere else to live. gainer talked to her about whether the church could help.
spilt pink ink everywhere, including on my clothes. oops. be careful!!!
showed mum and dad my textile critters, and they were impressed :0) mum said that it was so nice seeing me bring back all the beautiful things i had made. yay!
ross is coming back tommorrow... eeeee! cant wait to see him.
in art yvonne was getting serious with us, and then in the next room with is a dance room, this song started playing... and we all started swaying!! ''one smile and suddenly nobody else *di* will *di* do!!!''
hehe happy bouncey songs! i love music... im looking forward to finally getting that guitar string, and being able to strum a few tunes myself. i feel that im quite sensitive to music although im not musical.
everybody is having a good giggle about a go game in the kitchen. i love my mums laugh!

there is a random bell and bowl of marbles in the empty room.

loved watching desperate housewives last night. wonderful mixture of sinisterism(?) and comedy..

had a lovely chat with ross. at the moment he is pondering whether our sense can really decieve us, or whther( as he suspects) that they are unbiased, and that it is only our interpretation of them that can be decieving. also talked about ancient greek attitude to all things sexual. basically sheep, yes, little boys, yes (as long as you give them a hunting dog). i think i would get the giggles in such lectures.

he was interested that they still have einstiens brain pickled, but asked whether einstein had agreed. good point, i mean i wouldnt want my brain pickled, even AFTER i died! although i would like it if it and other organs where to be looked at for scientific research, as long as i could remain the nameless brain, lung- dont want people boasting that they half of a famous artist's (me) lung! hehe... or maybe i do...

yet again i have rambled on for a million years. byeeee!

Current mood: ecstatic
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005
7:03PM
rice cooker steams itself in the corner. tap of go stones and gentle music in the sitting room. the night outside my window and the glowing screen in front of me. found it difficult to get to sleep late night. lay awake head buzzing with semi-formed ideas. i try to make 'the colours bright and the images big.' when i go to sleep. but i never get much more than a dull ghost of an image, that seems to be in my short term memory. because if i try to grasp it, to look at it properly, it flickers away. i wish i could have lucid dreams, where i am control of my images with my concious mind. i can only do this with my artwork, which takes a lot longer. what joy to have the images pour directly out of your mind onto the page, onto the screen. the temptations of mind altering substances... which is what my new project is about (maybe) hansel and gretel head toward the next cottage, and there are no candy canes here, instead acid tab curtains, fag butt fences, syringe fountains, pill cobblestones, it is the 'drug cottage' and they are about to be tempted to feast upon its delights. inside lurks hooved mammals, extinct, current, and imaginary.. devillish creatures with hairy chins that trot on tiptoe! damien hursts medicine cabinet, paula regos subversed paintings. its gonna be fun! at the moment i just want to draw hooved mammals from my book.


in red dwarf they have a machine that video tapes there dreams, so that they can watch them later.
but dreams arent clear like film. its all shadows and ghosts and emotion. its like, you feel that what you are seeing is photogenic, but how could it be really? its like you get the effect that a photograph might have on your mind, without having the photo itself. in dreams it can feel like you can play the piano like a professional...
struggle to get up this morning, but i did it. at college i woke up whilst dipping fabric into plaster, and putting it onto card. wonderful texture when it hardens. and you can paint over it (white emusion) and it looks like the paint is really thick, because of the plaster underneath. kinda like those horrid textured ceilings though. eww.

scanned my inky goats. talked to helen and julia about my ideas. they were for a change, very enthusiastic, and had lots of ideas, and are going to help me collect material for the cottage. we got so wrapped up in exploring our ideas together, that we were an hour late for our graphics lesson!

talked to julia about tim burtons other films! other films! i didnt know there were anymore! im looking forward to seeing them. shame he didnt do anymore animations though.

also im going to the cinema with jane and jenny to watch my fair lady. huh. dont know what it is... should be fun with coke and popcorn though.

i can heard simpsons music, but i have probably already seen it 5 times. oh dear!!

i finally figured out how to make quite realistic hair on photoshop. and whilst working out how to do it, i discovered a whole new land of customed brushes with different qualities, and 'spacing'

i was going to go to 'creative art and drama' group in the port's mouth, but when i got in i was too sleepy, and when straight onto photoshop to practise painting the hair. i have realised that hair on animals often goes in clumps on the top coat, and you can put shadow under the top clumps (hehe sounds a bit like top trumps!) jumpy old rowan mind. i think ross minds my mind being so jumpy because he thinks its illogical. but there is complex logical in my jumpyness, in fact im sure if all my tangley thoughts where straighted out into logic thoughts, i would a genius. however i would need a good comb to straighten my tangles, and i might damage the hair itself, and it would hurt, and i like my hairy thoughts all tangley anyway.

'its like you have all the capablities, rowan, you just dont use them.' -ross

and then when i reported this to my parents, they agreed. grrr to everyone!

Current mood: creative
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005
10:47PM
THIS IS YESTERDAYS ENTRY. COULDNT GET ONLINE TO POST IT.

college from 9am-8pm. gots lots done. but feel very weak, and very sleepy. but being on the computer is more fun than being unconcious. printed my painting scans onto fabric. drew deer for fairytale project. made fake polos by making a casting a real polo into plaster... but the plaster polo wasnt as white as the real polo and warped slightly, and bits of brown clay stuck to it.
made images of little girl in woods with scary wolves and beasts of the forest, etc, about. very enjoyable! printed of some information about how to create realistic animal fur using photoshop brushes. should be must interesting.
went to portfolio prep lesson. didnt do any portfolio prep, but listened to yvonne, and drew deer from a book of 'hooved mammals' from the lrc.
printed off the atom bomb room and reconstructions, zen machine logo, blue moon visuals, jules the princess (fairytale project) and random pictures of me and ross. i really think teleporters are a good idea.
i heard on tele that they really do have einsteins brain in a jar.. i think they should donate it to the einstein cafe, so people can sip tea and ponder on his pickled squiggles of genius, as they doodle teleporters.

Current mood: cranky
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10:06PM
very excited! have discover extinct hooved mammals! ... well a book about them anyway. they are sooo weird. i can just imagine all the personalities that they might have in a magical land far far away.. fairytale project is well on its way! all the creatures that didnt make it.. the wonderful half camel, half giraffe. deers with massive fangs wieghing them down. its just so interested in them all. i love the mountain goats especially. i really want to look again at picasso and marc chagals goats. stuffed full of symbolism too. the devil goats.. the christians just took their enemys favourite goat god and turned it evil and red.. also really want to revisit the land beyond the wardobe, and meet mr tummus again. looking at mythical beasts and invented hybrids too. yesterday i constructed a fish with a babys face, on photoshop.. oh the power! i feel that computer graphics programmes as just magical. i love them. i want to learn all of them! god im sooo happy happy happy, at the moment.

ross phoned up when i was at college this evening. i had said i was going to phone him, but decided to stay at college to do my work instead. i should be allowed to do that, shouldnt i? i supose it was the second time in a row though. :( he said i could have let him know. he sounded as though he had actually been waiting for me to phone. now thats a bit silly. i said i would be home fom college about 9.30pm, but he said that he would be asleep by then, and that actually he was going to bed now. he sounded sad and tired. i talked to the old people who were doing a pottery class on my table. i said i felt bad cause ross had been waiting for me to call. but they were unhelpful and said things like 'treat em mean keep em keen.' bloody hell, is that all they have learnt in a lifetime. i should have said ''treat em nice, eat more brown rice, dont slip on ice, watch mice, avoid lice.'' see im much more wisdomfull and rhyming!
i do miss ross a lot, sometimes. yesterday i was a bit down and just wanted a teleporter to reading.. but now it seems hooved mammals can help me a lot!!

the wooden sculptures, lifesize figues, naked saints full of arrows, babies crawling towards them, big heads, real teeth...

hansel and gretel... maybe the cottage could be made of drugs? with syringe fountains and acid tab curtains... yeah very deep rowan..!

Current mood: excited
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Thursday, January 13, 2005
12:04PM
''if you didnt have the protection of a susposedly full time course, and you had to work full time to pay the rent on a flat, you would have a shock' - dad

''you are becoming an old recluse*'' - dad

* a person given to living in seclusion or isolation esp. as a religious discipline

yep im an old monk living up in the hills at the moment. i blame the zen calender daily quotes.

i will learn how to use the automatic rice cooker, and be able to cook the daily brown rice, and then hopefully i will get less hassle about not cooking. mum actually asked me whether there is anything she could buy, that i would like to cook. this is great. i might actually be able to cook with my mum without turning into 'the pool of tears' from alice in wonderland. and i dont really want a water rat come sailing by, to think my head is a small island and start hammering posts in. now THATS going to far!

i really liked that big slice of watermelon that i ate on my long walk around glastonbury. mmmm.

im going back to holland! very excited! wip yo feet! yeah baby! no you wip yo feet!

Current mood: okay
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Tuesday, January 4, 2005
8:19PM
nackered after first day back at college. heard about liz's daughter caught in the tsunami, everyone was quiet today, and people were collecting up money and resources for the victims of the disaster. its all very surreal at the moment. doesnt quite seem real.. god it must be awful for liz. she is still hoping for a miracle..
went to ross's house afterwards, listened to the new perfect circle cd, which i really enjoyed, i also liked the artwork on the cd case.

dan is making sushi now.. mmm, wish i hadnt eaten at the agnews though! :8 < hampster cheeks!

Current mood: tired
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Sunday, January 2, 2005
10:51PM
http://y.20q.net

enjoy!

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10:44PM
hehe! i just played again! this is what the computer told me it thought.

You were thinking of something to do with sex.
You said it is classified as Animal, I say Other.
Contradictions Detected
It does not matter if our answers disagree, as over time the game will change its answers to reflect common knowledge. If you feel that the game is in error, the only way to fix it is to play again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Similar Objects
pleasure, a muscle (body part), the mind, the large intestine, an aye-aye, beef jerky, cheddar cheese, a moth, a hammerhead shark, a broken heart, a salami, rock and roll.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncommon Knowledge about a penis

Can it fit in an envelope? I say Yes.
Can it be painted? I say Yes.
Can you eat off of it? I say Yes.
Is it a tool? I say Yes.
Is it used by a baby? I say Yes.
Is it white? I say Yes.
Can you sit on it? I say Yes.
Is it small? I say No.
Does it have a title? I say Yes.
Can you see it in a zoo? I say Yes.
Could it be found in a classroom? I say Yes.
Does it have a long neck? I say Yes.
Does it come from something larger? I say Yes.
Is it symbolic? I say Yes.
Can you drink from it? I say Yes.
Is it more valuable than silver? I say Yes.

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10:38PM
i just played 20questions against the internet!!

it won! and it told me this... which i found amusing!

You were thinking of something to do with sex.
Is it man made? You said Unknown, I say No.
Unknown Answers
You answered unknown to one or more questions, so the game has told you what it thinks. If you feel that the game is in error, the only way to fix it is to play again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Similar Objects
bubble gum, a kiss, comedy, a web site, a song, music, a shower, an engine (internal combustion), cyberspace, false teeth, a roulette wheel, a water bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uncommon Knowledge about sex

Is it found on a desk? I say Yes.
Is it an emotion? I say Yes.
Is it a type of fruit? I say Probably.
Does it bounce? I say Yes.
Does it have feelings? I say Yes.
Is it very, very expensive? I say Yes.
Is it used with animals? I say Yes.
Can you use it 24 hours a day? I say No.
Does it smell sweet? I say Probably.
Is it native to South America? I say Yes.
Does it have a hole in it? I say Yes.
Is it ferocious? I say Yes.
Can it be used to put things together? I say Yes.
Does it get hard? I say Yes.
Does it have a good smell? I say Probably.
Does it have a title? I say Doubtful.

Current mood: hot
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8:19PM
drinking tea out of my 'legalize it' mug. maybe i should put less sugar in tea when its a smaller mug. maybe i shouldnt write about tiny weeny details all the time. maybe...

Current mood: contemplative
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8:16PM
been sticking random things to old canvas, and broke my glue gun. :( i was at the peek of my enjoyment too. dammit!

Current mood: annoyed
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(no subject) [Feb. 17th, 2005|12:52 am]
i_am_your_idea
[mood |curiouscurious]

10:18PM


You Are 25 Years Old




25





Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.






What Age Do You Act?





oh yes im sooo mature..

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Friday, January 28, 2005
12:20AM
Such a pretty house
and such a pretty garden.
No alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises,
no alarms and no surprises please.

radiohead


BOO!!!

Current mood: contemplative
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12:16AM
slip inside the eye of your mind, dont you know you might find, a better place to plaay?

Current mood: contemplative
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12:11AM
Your Porn Star Name is: Albino Kitty




Get your own Porn Star Name



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Thursday, January 27, 2005
11:33PM
did batik and screen printing this morning. well actually i got so into the batik i didnt get a go with the screen printing. but dad says he has a screen printing frame and a squigey! so i just need to get some nylon and the world is mine.
really enjoyed the wax resistyness of batik. its difficult because its like painting backwards, and once there is wax on something there is no going back! i like the random splodges, well actually you kind of have to like the random splodges because they happen anyway, and you might as well work with them. think it will go well with my ink drawings, because they too are covered in delightful blotches.
it seems that when i finally get round to actually buying a teeny weeny sketchbook and starting to write my day by day visual diary, this blurty account is gonna be most useful, cause i tend to ramble a little about art, seeing that it is a good portion of my life.
nice waxy animals, thinking about working on top of them with ink, and obviously scanning them and seeing what wonders photoshop can do to them.
i collected up the last of my a level work that was lurking around the cupboard room. i was feeling a bit guilty about leaving it all there and using up their much needed space. took it all home, and then ended up throwing much of it away. its complete crap. normally i would keep stuff, and think yes it might be interesting in years to come, and its crapness might be enchanting of something, but no, my sculptures were very very bin-worthy.
in waterlooville, hunted in the library for batik books. yvonne has a nice one, but the batiks just look like paintings. very skilled and all that, but if you want to produce things that look like paintings, why not use PAINT! not wax resist!! its like using paint to do something that looks like a photo. its an interesting technical trick. but really a bit silly. maybe im just jealous. i dont know. i think i would enjoy being able to paint photogenically- but if i could i dont think i would use my skills just to copy snapshots.
anyway, couldnt find any books about batik in waterlooville. however i did discover that the library has a coffee and hot drinks machine on the top floor and you can grab a book and a drink and sit in a comfortable chair and happily educate yourself... which seems like a nice plan. i could become like matilda and talk to the old people (quietly!)
i am now not in debt with mum! hurrah! now i can start borrowing money again. ha ha. really must get a job. hannah is selling her paintings now. its so jealous. it must be so satifising, and also means you can buy things.
anyone want to buy any of my pictures.. ? ill do commissions for you, of anything!!!
been working on photoshop tonight, and working on some more illustrations for the go journal. i shouldnt really be working big and in colour because they want to print them small and in black and white, but i decided if i make them beautiful enough they might want a special middle page of colourful go illustrations...
re-discovered the 'stroke' tool, nice thickness of line.... *drools*
also, looked through my uni stuff from the ucas fair and searched for illustration. kent institute and i forget the other one. mum said she will talk to me about uni... yay! maybe just maybe the my parents buisness will become very sucessful and they will want to pay all my higher education fees forever and ever. hmmm. dubious. but there is a chance they might be able to help me a bit. must get talking to my mother, and started acting seriously about it all. winchester, my previous dream art school doesnt do illustration. and illustration is definately what i want to do now. that and maybe computery 3d stuff...
i has re-organised my room and now have, dun dun dun!, STORAGE!!! hurrah! big plastic drawers! and a big plastic box! and all the little rainbow russian doll styley boxes from the adult agnews have become very useful. i have labelled them with strange, intriging labels such as 'fake plaster polos' and 'teeny weeny perfumes'. yay!
AND my mum found some blank sketch books in the attic!
its been a great day, for me at least!

Current mood: artistic
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005
7:25PM
*dexter voice* a ha! today is another great day for... art! yes indeedy. worked hard and produced more inky animals and a pychotic child with a goat. our new graphics teacher, simon, said my work was full of nervous energy. my work is getting very quentin blakey, which is very flattering because i love quentin blake and want his inky children. scanned my dragons but i think that they are quite weak compared with the bearded goats, and kicking donkeys, which im greatly enjoying. i feel that im on the right track with art now. and im clear that i want to illustrate books, especially for children. its weird because that is what i wanted to do with i was about 8. me and jenny lodge used to sit at the table at lunchtime and people used to watch us draw, and ask us to draw things for them. its a shame that jenny lodge didnt carry on with art, because shes bloody good at it. but she is probably going to be some kind of bassist philosophy teacher person.
i just ate a can of mustard herrings... makes me think of france and barn and mice. i would like to see the old ruin this summer and go to journville beach and swim to the island and talk grade E AS level french to the locals.
im gonna go talk to ross..... *ring! ring!*

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Tuesday, January 25, 2005
10:35PM
another great day for art! had a nice chat with julia and heather at lunchtime... about uni and excitment.. and then then more art, and than got the bus with heatherfoo to waterlooville. browsing cds, clickitty click click, and found a nice muddle of songs that looks interesting. heather got many a cd... and then an ugly witch model thing, from a film, that was appartently a great bargain. how an something so small be so scary.. went to a couple of toy shops, nearly bought a plastic llama, then thought about not having any money, and wishing i hadnt bought a plastic llama. played with the puppets with heather!! my brain is all tuned into my new fairytale project now... nice seeing things in a new way. that happens with every project i do. got macdonalds, got sugar high, and talked about waste with heather... macdonalds arent very responsible with their packaging, not at all eco friendly- except for the cardboard chip and drink containers, with they were forced to make, after dumping lots of plastic ones in wobbling landfills of doom. i have a theory that in the future plastic will be so precious that people will search in landfills for it, and it will be like a newer, smellier, version of the gold rush.
back in art, settled happily into the land of my sketchbook, and forgot to phone ross. so i got rosie to text him (she is quick at texting) on heathers phone, but she didnt write things the way i do. for example she puts spaces between the kisses. x x x instead of the more asthetically pleasing xxx with the ocassional capital kiss. xxxXxxxXxx etc. so im sure ross will think its a forgery! actually i dont except he will notice. but 'polish your brownie badge on both sides.' as my mum says. which means that you should do things beautifully for your own pride, and not hide mess under the bed etc. ha. my mum only got 5/7 on the 'child of our time' parenting test. i was surprised! i thought she would get 7/7. but according to the bbc, the most important thing to help your child to make friends when he first goes to school, is make sure he looks nice, because children are superfical.
dam i thought it was having interesting hobbies. are kids really so judgemental? i always had cute blonde bunches, and red ribbons and stuff, and i had lots of friends in little school, not that i noticed them.

i lost my bank card today, but this has become somewhat rountine. i was pissed off because i just got paid for supermarket work, and was looking forward to paying back gill the money for the flight, and not being in debt with my mum, and also having a few quid for myself, so that i can pretend im rich for a day or two. grr. but all should be ok, with photo id in the bank. im not sure whether i should be writing about all this. hmmm.

just had tasty macro-meal.

i got an email back about illustrating the bga journal, and andy says im a star! i better get photoshopping! i was asking about what articles where coming up so that i can make my illustrations relivant, but andy says he would like me to do more 'generalised' art work, that he can use more than once. i think this is silly, and i get annoyed when magazine use the same old pictures again and again. but the way to solve this problem is to give them a constant stream of drawings... and then they will never need to do smelly repeats! im really looking forward to seeing my work in print, and hearing what people say about it. only geeks arent usually the most tuned into art, so i dont mind if they dont understand, ill just polish that badge back and front! yay! mad girl, isnt she?
*yawn*
when i go to uni, one day, i will be given a little space all of my own... an art booth! a little closed space, and i can put up pictures and have all my equipment around me.... sounds so cool. and in the second year some unis let you have a bigger space with a big desk and a light and drawing board and stuff. ill have to always wear a berri on my head, and a paint brush in my mouth, and a happy frown of concentration on my pale face... hurrah!

i seem to always be writing a lot at the moment.

Current mood: creative
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Monday, January 24, 2005
10:49PM
woke up late, and completely missed my lifedrawing class. i was really disappointed. i was worried that a lot of people werent going to turn up for it, because of the embarrasment of looking at a person without clothes, and yvonne would think i was skiving too. but my judgement was incorrect, and there was a full class sweating in a very over heated classroom! yvonne didnt mind, and she just instructed me to sort out my drunken taxidermists dog for the exhibition, which is already up. i heard people talking about our dogs as i walked past, and the awwws where all directed at helens squiggley glue dog with the big pink bow. im looking forward to walking past, when my dog is up, and hearing peoples comments about it, maybe even i would say 'oh yes, i like that one too, what a clever artist... blah blah blah, and did you notice the embossed writing on the plaque... so clever..' just to see what the innocent passersby say!
scanned all the animals that interested me from the 'hooved mammals' book. so now i dont have to lug the whole thing around with me. i made a horse (well it was actually a zebras silluette!) out of sheets of glass and glass powder, metal, and a stencil. and then i finally got to work with the solidering iron! i made an octopus with a top hat for huw and a kitty kat with sharp little claws (like willow) for sarah. susanananananas boyfriend came in to pick her up. a sane boy clearly finds her hyperness endearing, or something. huh. he had even wrapped up some food for her. and she said 'oh, i expect you didnt BUY it' and he said 'no it was from my fridge' and that was that. no, thankyou very much from her at all! she seems to have got very comfortable with being looked after... which is a shame.
stacey has split up with dave. she just said 'oh i dont find you attractive anymore, and it makes me feel unattractive being around you.' that seems a very harsh way to put it, but she said that she couldnt think of anything else to say, his looks were the only thing. i thought shame she couldnt figure out that he was ugly to begin with.
i would like to make a bit of an effort to stay in contact with dave. he is a nice guy and one of the only people i know that ross hasnt instantly judged in a negative way.

ross phoned up whilst i was in my evening portfolio prep lesson. he is off out to mojos tonight, i bet he has a whizzy old time. :)

last night i randomly got upset about the way helen and jim used to treat me and ashamed about who i used to be. helen once said 'we cant all have perfect families like you and ross, and some of us actually do things we arent proud of.' thats the only sort of apology i got. i wouldnt mind about the unresolvedness of it all, expect i want to be helens friend, and i cant properly because i dont respect or trust her very much.

i then dreamt about being back at school, only everyone was vampires.

im reading 'the uses of enchantment' which is about fairytales, and child phycology. im enjoying every page, and feel sure that its going to fed my art work somehow.

watched a programme about man who went to live with a tribe, and they fed him a bit of a tree, that allows you to access the bit of your brain that stores guilt, and causes you to hallucinate. they use it to treat people who have had tramatic childhood experiences. it was interesting.

the british go journal are pulishing my picture, and want me to illustrate for all sections of the journal... which is great news.

according to my book, mad children identify with the wolf in the three little pigs... could i make a sort of wolf mask that people can look through and then see the pigs as meat? hmmm maybe. i would like to draw it anyway.

i shouldnt stay up so late on a monday.. ah well...

Current mood: creative
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(no subject) [Feb. 17th, 2005|12:47 am]
i_am_your_idea
[mood |creativecreative]

Monday, February 14, 2005
9:25PM
well where to begin? at the beginning, or even in the beginning but that sounds a bit too biblical.
set off to reading on the friday, got bored waiting for the bus in the rain, so i pretended to be rich and got a taxi to havant. chatted to the taxi man. he told be about his girly. he spent a long time trying to explain the colour of her lipstick, by pointing at different houses in leigh park. hehe! hopped onto the train. and stared out of the window, and gradually got happier and happier, until i jumped on an unsuspecting ross (he was facing the other way looking for me at the station, so i creep up and pounced on him- but he didnt even jump, dam!) felt really great to be near him. we went to the wetherspoons to get food. i was staaaarving. i think the train puts me into a sort of trance, and then ross makes me feel insane with bubbles and butterflies and the usual colourful collection of lovelyness, and THEN, i decide its a good idea to have two pints of coke. super hyper crazy rowan whizzing whizzing whizzing. yup, i was not at all like a buddist monk. i burst into a million little rowans and they all ran around ross. its rather confuddling, but i like.
back at the uni we went to lay like lions after our big meal. when to the shops and got wine. and we went to the student bar and chatted. then went back up to his room....... had a great day!!
woke up late on the saturday. had a lie in and then walked into reading for another wetherspoons! i went for the 12 ounce burger and ross chose a meat platter.
ross tells me that i should attend to my social life a bit more. he said he is worried about me because i spend all my time doing art and not enough time trying not to be a recluse. it was difficult to hear, because its all true. he is worried that ill turn into an old lady with cats.
he also talked about his new girl buddies. and said that it was good because they dont fancy him, and obviously he doesnt fancy them, but they all get along really well. ginny sounds nice. well actually i havent heard much about her, but im assuming that shes lovely because ross likes her lots. glad very im not at the 'that sounds like a girls name' stage anymore!!
ross said 'you dont write about me in your diary, do you?', i said that obviously i do. he then said that he was worried that i might misrepresent his philosophical ideas on her, so i admitted that i probably do!!
anyway, later on, we got very very very drunk, in true student style. and watched 'black books' laughed our heads off. then i squinnied a bit and then puked a 12 ounce burger into the quality street tin (ross rescued the sweeties)
i stopped feeling sick and feel happily asleep and in my sleep i said 'cup of tea, thankyou, thankyou'. see, im even grateful when im unconcious!
ross has put his Earth poster upside down to remind him to look at things from different perspectives.

we argued about art, me talking the usual arty nonsense, and ross talking of paintery skill, etc. i kept making random points about art that werent relivant. ross got annoyed. he keeps getting annoyed. its like he is so tuned into morality, that everything annoys him because it isnt angelic. but me, i continue to think the external world is all happy happy, because what i see is flavoured so much by what i feel and where i am. at the agnews i watched farhenheight 9/11 and this has completely changed this rainbowed vison of the world. it isnt like that. ross warned me not to flip to the other extreme. but at the moment i cant help it. the world seems to be run by greedy monsters, who delude their people into wanting to fight for their causes. i cried when i saw it, and then after having a wonderful long natter with jenny and gill, the images of war came back and i cried myself to sleep. and got upset again today, when i started thinking about it. its so horrible. those children, those corspes, the terrible grief and shock in everyone around. the translations.
i just feel hatred for the corruption of the system, and all that are in-the-know and still support it. its sick.

the good thing about all of this, is that i now feel really strongly about it all, and feel better informed. for once i really want to find out more about politics, and really think hard about it. its so important.

i will watch the film again when i feel able to, and tell everyone about it. i think it should be posted into every house in america.

Current mood: weird
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Thursday, February 10, 2005
10:02PM
IM LAUGHING AT SOMETHING ME AND JENNY LODGE (ICAL) WROTE WHEN WE WERE ABOUT 15. HEHE! IM BRAVELY GOING TO POST IT HERE.

If there were 3 eggs, and you were ONE of the eggs, how many eggs could you eat??

Answer: NEON BEAR! ESCAPED FROM THE ZOO OF EINSTIEN PROFESSORNESS!

How many eggs fill up the Eiffel Tower?(The Ice Cream Version No. 2).

If you slipped on the yolk of an egg, what word would most likely enter your head five minites after falling?

Quentin the egg?

Do you have egg... can i have a bite?

Hard boiled of Nottingham?

scrambled, whisked?

Shells all around?

spoon sliced topness?

Yellow stains on jeans?

EGG BUSTER 2000!

Do chickens feel bad after eating eggs?

What if the eggs are bad? Does it cancel out the badness of the ceiling of the chicken?

EELING!

Lots of eggs equal great rises of eggy spirit in Asda dairy department?

I peg therefore I want an egg.

Lost eggs of the Amazon. With painted faces and spears.

Egg-magic!

Eggs a kinda magic.

Monsters made by children out of the cafefully selected egg cartons? STICK ON EYES! Resemble egg with black moveable yolk.

Fill you matress with eggs.

Call the egg shell 'Simon'.

Stick it on the wall in memory of your meal.

What colour is an egg?

You only need a torch and an egg!

How long is a piece of egg?

What exactly is eggnog? A nog? Or an egg COMBINED in a thrilling combination with the nogness of the valley.

If Egg-casso painted a multi-angled egg on your plate, would you still be able to tell the real angle of your real egg? Would you even HAVE a real egg?

The egg famine.

Many eggs were smashed.

Many had egg on their faces.

Egg-stra egg anyone?

Whisk all about it!

You're an egg in a million.

Good Egg! Alernative to Good God!

Flared eggs of the ocean.

That egg van is really out of tune.

Like the church of egg? I like the church of egg.

I like eggs.

What do eggs smell like? Compare and contrast.

Egg straws! An egg-shaped straw for your eggs.

What is the world that goes before eggs?

Can chicks inside the eggs typewrite without training?

You just butt your ear to the egg box and hear the ticking of the egg timer that tells you when it's egg time.

The three pats on the egg.

Twelve eggs resemble a bald mans head with ten heads, one nose, obviously with a wart.

You filthy chicken's produce! Eggs come from where?

Who first thought that it would be a fantasical idea to eat something that came out of the rear end of a chicken?

Look for the lion. Why do egg advertisements tell us to do this? Do lions come out of eggs? If so, be warned. They will eat your breakfast and continual egg supply. They live in the land beyond the fridge.

Can you imagine if it was a fridge, not a wardrobe?

The Lion, The Witch and The Fridge.

Egg pie. Make it.

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-let. Find egg-lightenment.

I'm eggs-arrrrrsperated

Can eggs get acne?

Egg-lightnenment! I have found egg-vana.

Egg-vana! The egg van returns.

And we're the eggs!

Eggs, such loveable looking cells.

Nick nack paddywack give an egg a dog...

I enjoy scrambled nucleus on toast. My loyal soldiers don't. It makes them dissolved. Probably because I dip them in egg and bite their heads off.

He is the walrus.

Wall.

Walls R Us! Walls of eggs!

Can you wear an egg?

Scroll up! Scroll up for egg time! fun Fun FUN!

Goats lay eggs too.

Current mood: amused
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9:59PM
woo, i used the word love in nearly every sentence in that last entry. thats how i used to write when i was five - 'i love the moon. i love the craters. the farmer loves his cow. the sun is lovely'

Current mood: amused
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9:10PM
woke up late and as soon as i decided not to go to college, it became HALF TERM! eeee! hung around for hours whilst dad kept staying that he was JUST getting ready to go out, and then he changed his mind. this really pissed mum off and then she walked into dads half finished grandfather clock, which pissed her off even more. she ranted about why the hell does the clock have to be in such an annoying place, why isnt the hairdryer put away, why is everything in the house dads, and chosen by dad, and talked to me about everything taking second place around go. i gave her a hug and dad was sensible and consulled her despite mum being rude to him when her head was hurting from banging it. i realised that the whole 'baby-talk' thing that i used to do when i was sad, actually is copied from my mum! weird, i hadnt noticed that before.
mum said that she wouldnt pick giles up, because dad said he would do that, and now that he has decided not to come out, its not mums job to pick him up. mum is annoyed because dad says things like 'can you go to the computer shop to get an ink cartiridge?' and she does it, and then she feels second place in the buisness. but the fact is that dad is on the computer working for the go project 24 hours a day, and mum spends her time sorting out the house. they both do all the events together though.
mum said she is feeling quite down at the moment, so i will try to be more helpful, and give hugs. i cooked tonight! well i turned the rice cooker on! *looks sheepish*
giles said that he thinks im really determined, and mum said this morning that she finds me an inspiration, because i get on with my art and work hard at it, and she is too scared to paint incase she has got worse in her old age. i said, but if you think you will get worse in old age, then you should do more paintings now, because they might be better than any you do in the future. i feel sorry that she no longer gets arty regulary. she loves painting. we went to donna and russ's to pick up giles to help find a camera. i played with 'Gess-Kah' and she is a bright little critter. i love her! she can walk and blow raspberrys and wave bye bye, and is generally cute and friendly. she can walk inbetween things! definately showing more of her personality now. she is always the centre of attention though, so will probably find it a bit of a shock being with lots of other children her age, because she wont have at least 5 people focusing on her at any one time. but i dont mind spoiling her, because im auntie roro and im allowed! oh and she can climb on things! giles hit her (very gently) with a toy squeaky hammer and mum told him off! donna says she likes it if you hit youself with the hammer, so i did, but she looked at me as if i were mad. so in conclusion Gess-Kah is my perfect, ocassional, imaginary daughter. i wuv her!
bought ross a couple of little pressie to celebrate the great day of celebrating love. it annoys me when the meer mortals who arent in love get angry with valentines, rah!
went to the aggles and dropped off paintings, gill said that riki-dog has been put down, so i gave her a hug, and said sorry. i thought it was weird when there wasnt any barking when i knocked on the door, but i didnt know why. ill miss the yellow gentlepup.
back at the ranch cooked food, played go (badly) and phoned me ross. i mentioned 'doggie heaven' (as in the simpsons) and ross was really not amused. oops. he will be waiting at the station at about 3pm tmrw! eee! time for running hugs, and holding hands, etc!!! looking forward to giving him his present too! yay!
mum made cheesey bread!
dave and constance love the logo, and are looking at using it on letterheads etc, but want me to try out a new idea... so i shall! they are going to pay me for it! more commisions! anyone else want a rowan masterpiece??

im going to illustrate a book of leonard cohen songs as part of my art project. its going to be really fun. and obviously dad is very approving of the idea, being the no 1 fan of music to cut your wrists to.
such beautiful images within his poems and songs... i just got shivers down my spine! im very excited about this new project! eee!

i made a card for ross too! its inky and splodgey!

erm what else... watched desperate housewives last night and loved it! its sooo funny.. and i love the art animation at the beginning, that goes through a sort of history of women in art.

dad loved my dr seus quote, and has already laminated it with a go stone border, ready to put up at events.

im tired but all excited about tmrw!! ive been missing ross a lot. oh! im soo excited!!! (feel free to puke in a tall bucket) i love ross so much! *kisses the air*

Current mood: hot
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Monday, February 7, 2005
10:13PM
hmmm, woke up a sleepy rowan. was all sad last night and cried lots. tears keep getting in my ears, which was annoying, because i was trying to be serious in my upsetness, and i kept on having to empty my ears out, which is not a very serious thing to do. i think i was mosty upset about the time when i went went crazy, and thought i could read objects like sentences, and built up this whole language of stupid symbolism, and thought i was going to die for about a week and then i thought i was dead for a day. it was all very scary, and i didnt have control. and also rather embarrassing afterwards. and i was worrying that one day i might go mad again, and never be myself again.
anyway today i drew the naked lady. it was very weird because she started to teach us how to draw, whilst she was naked. now i think it should be a rule that the models are quiet and only the people with clothes on teach. overwise it gets a bit monty pythonish.
i drew her well, i know this because when yvonne was walking round, she commented on everyones work and drew on it and stuff, but she didnt say anything when she saw mine. of course this could be for another reason, but ill take it as meaning im doing well. and i dont measure, i do it all by eye! i like making it tricky, and i probably learn more by not measuring. thats the theory anyway.
lunchtime with mark and helen. i was very childish and drew on my arm and did experiments with the plastic cups. and then i realised im becoming giles.
helen was in full rant, 100 words a minute, and i just got to be lazy and not talk much. helens new project is on swans. should go swimmingly. heh, im so funny.
scanned in 'photography' lesson. printed off DR SEUSS. judith kerr, quentin blake... all me favourite kiddie book illustratory people. i want to be amongst these geniuses!
quentin blake seeings drawing as a sort of calligraphy... interesting alphabet, he has there!

did some more ink circus drawings. this time a coupley one, a girl with feathers in her hat, and a man with large trousers. it all looks cool. jane asked me to paint a picture for her. says she wants to frame it and put it on her wall. i did her a pencil drawing a while ago, and ive asked her the bring that one in, so that i can scan it in, and possibly put that in my portfolio as well.

scanned in my creatures painted on felt, and tryed cutting them out of photoshop, to make them look more fluffy, against a less fluffy, more blurred looking background. but i didnt save them and i sent them to a printer that didnt exist so that was all a bit annoying.

dear mill is actually illustrated by the smae person as the 'where the wild things are' book. beautiful illustrations, and for once, someone got the expressions right! the creatures actually look at each other, and dont have those annoying blank looks.

anyway thats a good enough ramble for today.

heather is writing a childrens book! soo cool... i should get on with 'the cat who laid an egg' really, if i am ever to become famous! ha!

Current mood: artistic
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Sunday, February 6, 2005
9:37PM
had a lovely meal with the female aggles last night at the ship. tasty salmon and then a big fancy glass full of big fancy icecream! woo! thankyou aggles! back at the ranch felt a bit randomly down, bit like a ross was about the place but i couldnt find him. that ghosty ross. heh. twas probably pms too.
gill got sad about riki being on his last legs. i felt sorry. its gonna be a difficult thing, cause riki is her baby. felt a little guilty because being an unsentimental one, im just excited about the arrival of Rio the Big Blue Puppy.
a sarah baggot and and huw baggot arrived and got told off for kissing. it is weird. but maybe just maybe it will work. only they know whats going on between them.. well actually maybe they dont even know!
had a big breakfast this morning, which was a lovely treat.
oh jenny and gill drew and painted with me last night. gill drew a scary abstract, and jenny painted a big heart for her blokey. i painted more critters for my project.
giles and mia came round earlier, and mum had made a lovely meal.
we watched a surreal japanesse cartoon called spirited away, well the first half of it anyway. i loved it. my memory is all weird from today probably cause im so tired after david hume kept me up with the book he wrote. the words went all weird cause i was so tired. and then i played with some glow in the dark silly putty. only got a few hours sleep, so hopefully i should slept well tonight, and be refreshed for painting the naked people tmrw in art.

mum and dad are buying an xbox off giles for the business so hopefully i should be able to waste many hours of my life to the evils of computer games. gods good light pouring out of the screen. i actually feel guilty when i play them though, which is silly i know. the second half of the weird japanesse cartoon is on... *feeble yay*

im soooo tired. bit grumpy with it too.

oh jenny asked me to do a commisson for her! yay! first selling of artyness! and its of cutie rosie too, should be fun.
*yawn* right im off now before i miss anymore of this animated masterpiece.

Current mood: grumpy
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9:37PM
had a lovely meal with the female aggles last night at the ship. tasty salmon and then a big fancy glass full of big fancy icecream! woo! thankyou aggles! back at the ranch felt a bit randomly down, bit like a ross was about the place but i couldnt find him. that ghosty ross. heh. twas probably pms too.
gill got sad about riki being on his last legs. i felt sorry. its gonna be a difficult thing, cause riki is her baby. felt a little guilty because being an unsentimental one, im just excited about the arrival of Rio the Big Blue Puppy.
a sarah baggot and and huw baggot arrived and got told off for kissing. it is weird. but maybe just maybe it will work. only they know whats going on between them.. well actually maybe they dont even know!
had a big breakfast this morning, which was a lovely treat.
oh jenny and gill drew and painted with me last night. gill drew a scary abstract, and jenny painted a big heart for her blokey. i painted more critters for my project.
giles and mia came round earlier, and mum had made a lovely meal.
we watched a surreal japanesse cartoon called spirited away, well the first half of it anyway. i loved it. my memory is all weird from today probably cause im so tired after david hume kept me up with the book he wrote. the words went all weird cause i was so tired. and then i played with some glow in the dark silly putty. only got a few hours sleep, so hopefully i should slept well tonight, and be refreshed for painting the naked people tmrw in art.

mum and dad are buying an xbox off giles for the business so hopefully i should be able to waste many hours of my life to the evils of computer games. gods good light pouring out of the screen. i actually feel guilty when i play them though, which is silly i know. the second half of the weird japanesse cartoon is on... *feeble yay*

im soooo tired. bit grumpy with it too.

oh jenny asked me to do a commisson for her! yay! first selling of artyness! and its of cutie rosie too, should be fun.
*yawn* right im off now before i miss anymore of this animated masterpiece.

Current mood: grumpy
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Thursday, February 3, 2005
9:01PM
woke up on time and got the college on time. felt very smug. started straight away with the dip pen and inks, but someone seems to have raided them that there are only half as many colours, and excellent excuse to limit my pallette, and use way to much red and blue, just as i love to. felt tired, but plodded on. and ate an enormous jacket potato with a mountain of beans and cheese, well i have been eating mosty plain rice, so this was a big treat. later on a thought i would have potatoe chips and sausages and then i had some cooked carrot that i pretended was orange chips! i think i kept mistaking tiredness for hunger... i went to look at the bbc wildlife magazines in the library and couldnt resist drawing the beautiful beasties, so i borrowed a biro from the librarian! found a hanananananah lost in the hippy forums on the internet. and dragged her away from the computer to do some art in the now blissfully empty and quiet art room in the new building. did more inky pictures.. clowns and extinct animals, they are getting rather surreal and im liking it.
hananah is cross because yvonne doesnt like her work, and thinks her drawing skills are weak. it isnt true at all. hannah is an excellent artist. its all hitting her more because of her parents forcing her to move out. but i think it will all be better in the long run. in the new house were she is lodging the nice lady is letting her use her heated garage as an art studio! a whole garage to paint in! really looking forward to seeing the artwork that hananah produces when she has her own space to work in... i love her pictures. she is going to move to america too.. ooo.
helen 'n' jim are going to uni in wales! i think helen will love it up there, and plus she gets to escape from her mean mother. i just hope helen doesnt do all of jims work as well as her own.
stayed at college till 6.00. and when i got home dad wanted me to simplify a map, for something he is doing about 'cherry blossom viewing in purbrook'.. and dave contacted dad to say he loves the logo that i designed for him, all he wants added is a factory skyline in the background. easy peesy lemon squeesy. and this will be great for the old cv. havent heard from the go journal yet, but hopefully they will want to use one of the images that i created for them for a front cover. this would be excellent...
oh my brother has just signed onto msn, just saying hello to the old variation on me genes, yes a worrying thought that.. i actually have giles genes. feel pleased that i didnt let myself become a female giles.

told people at college about puzzle toast. m dad used to give me, my brother and a couple of our friends a piece of toast each, and we had to think of the most imaginative way to present it. and then we could win a prize! i dont think i ever won a puzzle toast contest. :( i think we need a re-match now that im half way through my pre-degree.

pam tiler is here, and the go club. im being the antisocial teen, typing away on the laptop in the empty room. i like just listening to people talking. and then i dont have to worry about seeming weird and geeky and not a natural at the old social interaction. its silly though, because its when im not worrying about all of that, that i seem the most ungeeky. im tired too though, so i feel less chatty.

showed pam my sketchbook and she loved it. she wants me to do a copy of one of my digitally altered batik pictures for her. :) yay!
also showed a random boy at college my book, but he just said 'so you like animals? and 'huh, most people dont want other people to see their sketchbooks' and then later 'well i thought i was good at drawing, but now i dont' which wasnt exactly the desired response. i think he fancied me. with girls you can be friendly towards them and they dont think you fancy them, but when im friendly towards men, they seem to get the wrong idea. or so i am beginning to suspect.

overheard a convesation in graphics. some girls were advising a boy on how many roses to get a girl in order to sleep with her! how horrible! reminds me of in films when the boys get together and start boasting about their sexual conquests. argh. one bit of the convesation was vaguely amusing though. i might even try to tell it like a joke. or actually not.
one boy suggested to the other boy that he should buy 10 roses, and if she reacted badly, pretend that he was giving all his friends one rose for valentines day, in a friendly sort of way, and if she reacted positivity when she saw the flowers, give her the whole bunch. i thought that was quite funny. the point did come up that seeing that he wasnt serious about the girly maybe roses werent the best gift, maybe a sort of joke present would be better. but the intention was decieve her and then sleep with her. how sick. sick sick sick. although on the plus side it did make me feel very much more mature than everyone else in the room, and so deeper ingraining my secret imagining of being superior. ah well.

also i put some water on a half dried out toad today. i wasnt sure whether it was the right thing to do. i was sort of worried about it getting cold, even though i know that they are cold-blooded. dad said it was the right thing to do, so i shall continue to water drying out toads.

Current mood: tired
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9:00PM

You are an Elementalist. Your magic stems from the
forces of nature. You might be a forest
nuturing Druid, a storm-creating Weather-Wizard
or any of the many Elementals, but one thing is
sure-- your bond with nature is strong. You can
rely heavily on nature to support yourself
aesthetically or physically for it lends you
both comfort and strength. Your instincts
rarely fail you. You are vibrantly passionate
but are sometimes carried away by your own
emotions.


Which Magical Order Are You In?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Wednesday, February 2, 2005
9:03PM
oh desperate housewives is actually on at 1000 hours, so i have precisely 60 minutes in which to imaginatively record my day. well, woke up on time, went back to sleep, woke up late. but why? why does this always happen. detective rowan investigates... it seems that my alarm clock bleeps for one minute. i listen to it bleeping. and then, when it stops bleeping, i promptly fall back asleep, and naturally awaken a few hours later. the cure for this irratation? i need to find something that will make it do a 'repeat alarm'. or possibly find an alarm clock that gets louder as time goes on, or i could steal a baby because i have heard tell that they wake people up, with their horrific screaming. i think there is a type of frog that screams like a baby, so maybe i should borrow one of them instead. but who would lend me a frog? mother nature of course. she likes her critters to make use of themselves, and what better use for a screaming frog than as a handy alarm clock bleeper. excellent plan.
ok, walked to college. found a jae-zee. she was looking for her a level work. she is doing her pre-degree at uni and is going to do fashion, which is perfect for her. i have a theory about fashion students in general though. i think the reason that they bitch about us girlies who dont stick to the latest fashions and trends (ie most of the arty ones) is that they are fearful that fashion is not all important, fearful that people can actually live without it, fearful that the path they have chosen is not particulary helpful to the world, fearful that all the time they spent worring what to wear this morning was silly... etc etc. and maybe they actually fear US? hmmm. maybe im just invented a theory for my own enjoyment, that has little or no basis in reality.
chatted to jae-zee about uni, she re assured me that it takes no time at all to get settled. she said that she felt settled there after a couple of days.
to be honest i think ill find it find settling in. i wont miss my family much because i dont see much of them anyway. and i will be closer to reading and rossicle. and ill be near/in london- city of dreams and many a free art gallery, and ill be with lots of arty people who will be 'all in the same boat', and a lovely methaphorical boat it will be too.
the only problem is money. i will have to work a lot at the same time as studying, and i will have to find a job in the new place asap. getting the balance right between uni work and job work, will be tricky at first, i think.
also problems with getting myself all organised, getting my forms done, visiting the places that i want to visit- although i think my heart is set on Kingston. getting loans and the grant sorted...costs of living.. etc. need to get my old calculator out.
did more ink drawings today. im loving the ink. feels lovely to draw with and i like the splodges and irregularities, and the stratchyness, and the different thicknesses of line you can get with the dippy pen.
discovered that the college apples actually have adobe illustrator on them, so that will be a nice old voyage of discovery, and i already have a kick start from my knowledge of adobe photoshop.
god bless adobe.
chatted to ross on the phone, he is a happy bunny cause jenny is over there and they have been feasting their taste buddies on a cavary, and are now off to crawl around pubs on their hands and knees.
next weekend, im going to the agnews! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
the weekend after that im going to reading! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
so life is rather nice in the land of a rowan.
finding the circus book as a valuable source for my art project. want to bring my animals into the circusy world..

my mum made fruity jelly! yay! also she might visit some unis with me!

dad was swearing at the laptop earlier, i think he is quite stressed. :( but he is looking forward to desperate housewives- not long now! and i get to watch two episodes, cause i didnt watch one last week! yay!

Current mood: artistic
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Saturday, January 29, 2005
10:25PM
stayed up late last night on photoshop. woke up and drew a circus horse with an arcobat on its back! looks good, but i did the old didnt-leave-enough-room-at-the-top-of-the-page trick, so it has a headless rider, dammit. drew some more arcobats, and then helped mum put things into the attic. found my record of achievement amgonst some old sketchbooks! so i finally got to put my a level certificates neatly next too my gsces. oh the satifisfaction.
continued reading the 'uses of enchantment' book about the meanings and usefulness of fairytales. apartently its a common little boy fantasty to kill their father so that they can live happily ever after with their mothers undivided attention, and that is what the damsel in distress stories are about. interesting stuff. appartently when dan was little he said to my mum that he wanted to marry her. and mum said that she was already married. and dan said WHO TO??? and when mum explained that she was married to daddy, dan said 'oh thats alright then.'
started reading edward de bonos book 'thinking course'. it is excellently written.. maybe it will help me to use my intellegence for good rather than for just constructing evidence to support the views i already have (the intellegence trap)
last night giles, king of the 'intellegence trap', and mia bringer of roses and tropical juices arrived for the evening. also the sammes arrived, and where surprised that giles and mia were there too! had a very nice time, and got a bit drunk. chatted mainly to mia and sue.
im really looking forward to meeting neal layton. i am totally in awe of his work. he is doing, career-wise, exactly what i want to be doing in a few years time. he illustrates childrens books in a grown-up childrens style, working with his drawings on the computer. it is going to be great to talk to him, and im sure i have lots of questions, but at the moment i dont know what they are! his girlfriend is also an amazing artist, and my parents have one of her pictures in their bedroom. i noticed that in very faint mirror writing it says something on it, but we couldnt read it, even with a mirror.
at the medieval themed eclipse party at the barn, neal had made his own armour out of cardboard. he had made it whilst sitting on the beach, and drawn a grinning lion and unicorn on the shield. this is all i can remember about him!
my mum says he is illustrating a book about poo for children- cool!
did some more work on photoshop and finished my first really good picture for the go journal. also randomly made a picture with 9 layers made from two photos. it is of two mice sitting in mushrooms, one of them biting the others tail!! i another one of two mice sleeping in some leaves. the original picture is of a dead mouse and i hope that beatrix potter would approve of this, seeing that she did her studies from dead critters! i swear the picture of a dead mouse that i found on the internet was actually put directly on someones scanner! hehe!
there is a week left before the new go journal comes out, so if i want to do anymore pictures for the next issue i better 'get my arse in gear'

i recently found out that if someone does something well, in england they dont say 'good man!', that is actually an irish thing! i thought everyone said 'good man!' but no, its just my mother.. she is a fair wee lass!

a little bird told me mark has got a weird tricycle thing, that it like a very very low down bike with a flag on top. i remember when i randomly cycled around the isle of wight some people cycled on them, but they had to be careful because the cars cant really see you, also they are more difficult to ride uphill, but i still want a go!

talked me rossicle, but i was feeling really ill at the time, and just sounded snifflely, plus i was trying to explain edward de bonos ideas through all my snot. how attractive. ross said 'me and the other girls' and i had to correct him to say 'me and the girls'! hehe!

i am realising that my lifestyle is very unhealthy. might randomly do exercise for another short burst! i still remember my aunties exercise video 'you can turn your bum into a nice little peach' . who, seriously, in their right mind actually wants a peach as an arse? i mean it would get mouldly, juice would leak from it as you sat down, and people might take a bite out of you! all that work for that? i think not!

Current mood: sick
(comment on this)
10:19PM
Your Boobies' Names Are: Bert and Ernie




Get your own Boobie Names



and im 25???
linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jan. 2nd, 2005|02:42 pm]
i_am_your_idea
Rowntree's Journal
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Thursday, December 30, 2004
6:58PM
You scored as Llama. Dude, your the coolest animal of the bunch. I personally love Llamas, consider yourself to be an awesome person with much to accomplish. You like to have space, and you also like to spit ;).
" Eat the food " - Napoleon Dynomite

Llama

70%
Cat

60%
Dog

55%
Lizard

40%
Snake

25%

What animal are you? ( with cool pics )
created with QuizFarm.com



yeah baby!

Current mood: ecstatic
(comment on this)
6:19PM
i just had herbal sausages.. mmmm
went out shopping in portmouth yesterday and made *ahem* purchases. woke up late today, after staying up later reading 'the little book of sleep'.. woke up in my pig pyjamas. i really like these pyjamas must write to bill and elaine and say thankyous.. mum and dad put up a fence of reeds today.. it looks very pretty and makes the front garden look twice the size. i was wondering whether the half hedge would grow faster on our neighbours side.. *ponders* i did some pictures last night, very illustratery.
was playing with my christmas glue gun, and did some squiggles in the sink. hurrah! i want to get some spray paint and use the squiggles as stencils. my parents are now on a diet of brown rice. my dad isnt red anymore, and appartently this is a good thing. but my dad has always been red.. it cant be right.. he is pale! is this healthy?
*looks concerned* i blame 'zen macrobiotic cooking' i dont trust any book that says on the back cover ' michel abehsera is today a healthy, happy and busy writer with a very attractive wife.' its not a joke! it actually says that! im waiting for ross to come over. he arrives at 9. and my parents have been very vague as to when they are returning, at 10pm-1am. i hope its a good party...
lots of random things on the kitchen table. my mothers 'singer' sewing machine, two bowls full of marbles, two japanesse tea bowls, a small metal tractor, a glass bowl full of sand, with molten candles in it, a filofax, bluetac, the flowers that i picked from the garden for christmas day, a bowl of sugar, a large box of blank cds, and the laptop at which i type.
heidi has gone to australia.. woo!

Current mood: calm
(comment on this)
Saturday, December 25, 2004
7:54PM
had a lovely xmas. woke up with ross all excited and saying 'christmas' in the breakfast voice. we went downstairs and watched friends, opened lots of presents! gill and rob got me lots of lovely things, including a book for creative people, and escher calender, a brush holder, a body art book, lots of hair things, a crazy t-shirt, a raspberry coloured scarf. ross got me a beautiful necklace and earings, grey and silver with flowers and petal shapes! he also got me a rainbow heart candle.. awww! also received a cannibas mug from huw-bert, a rainbow dreamcatcher from sarah, and two beautiful boxes from jenny, one with a peacock on, one tiny one with stars... :0) went to see the old people with jenny and darren, and they were pleased to see new faces. jenny introduced me as her sister-in-law, apparently because its easier to explain.. hehe! i liked seeing the oldies, and jenny is a star with them. they all love her to pieces, except for the mad ones, who seem to hate everyone.
back at home, more presents! a gluegun, pretty underwear (from my mother!) and an art book. dan got me a book by the person who wrote the night before christmas, whcih is really funny. gi and mia got me pretty purple hat and rainbow bluetac, i repeat RAINBOW BLUE TAC! i feel so loved!
nadine and her parents have just arrived so im going to go be socialable!

Current mood: bouncy
(comment on this)
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
2:07AM
im up late listening to nanci griffith shes singing 'god is watching us! *louder* god is watching us! *'god is watching us! *louder* god is watching us! *sadly and quietly* frrooooom a disstannnce.''
i love that song. im going to play it to ross, even though he will be concerned about my weakenesses towards the more poetic elements of christianity.
Magic lies on the table. the fur is coming off his back, and his claws are coming out and his eyes look grey.
i photoshoped marks clay sculptures, and gave mum a photoshop lesson.
we have a new fridge! its great not having to unlock the door go outside into the cold to get milk and juice. its a pretty grey fridge with shiney bits.
had fish pie! yum. but must cook for parents. really rowan. you must!
remember ross saying that im generous. i was so pleased! nobody has ever told that to me before, so i didnt notice. i supose i can be. its just me being so self absorbed that disguses it all.

i find my diary very interesting to read, but i suspose its just boring to other people. nobody sees things anything like how i do. but then maybe i just think that because i am me. maybe im really just the same.

i dont want to be a cause and effect robot. bleep.

Current mood: geeky
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Tuesday, December 21, 2004
11:03PM
went shopping in commerical road and bought lots of xmas presents.

(comment on this)
2:13AM
You scored as Creative. You appreciate many things in the world that others take for granted. You are a warm person who has many interests.



How creative are you?
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2:03AM
You scored as Middle Class. You're content in your position and would prefer a house or a family than a seven figure pay cheque. But you have your moments of weakness when you buy a lottery ticket in the hope of knowing how the rich and famous live.

Middle Class

88%
Upper middle Class

58%
alternative

58%
Lower Class

50%
Luxurious Upper Class

17%

What Social Status are you?
created with QuizFarm.com



how smelly! *puts nose in the air and ajusts crown*

(comment on this)
1:56AM
You scored as Ross. You're brainy Ross. Once a geek and now a hit with the ladies. Hope you have enough money to pay for all those weddings!

Ross

75%
Rachel

70%
Phoebe

55%
Joey

40%
Chandler

40%
Monica

40%

Which Friend are you?
created with QuizFarm.com


i am ross?

Current mood: confused
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1:39AM
asda was ok. bright lights. many rugs, cutlery sets, cushions, and glasses... many coins hopefully too.
!ching-ching! *slaps tight neon green adsa arse*
apparently my preferred religion is a cult, maybe thats why i dont hate asda as much anymore. its a cult. *ajusts name badge* im actually a bit worried that i sometimes enjoy asda. does this mean im a boring lemming now? or a buddist monk, who enjoys the simple things like the clicking noise the lift in the warhouse makes.

is the art world a cult? is that.. why? am i just a cult person? i thought i was an indivualist. dam. maybe im just a cult person who hasnt found their cult yet.

Current mood: productive
(comment on this)
1:38AM
You scored as Mushrooms. Shrooms! You're still goin for one of the most natural drugs. You'd like to visit a whole other world, and see things you've never seen before. Fucking trippy.

Mushrooms

100%
Inhalents

50%
Cocaine

50%
Ecstacy

50%
Marijuana

38%
None!

25%
Alcohol

19%

What's your ideal drug?
created with QuizFarm.com


Current mood: contemplative
(comment on this)
Monday, December 20, 2004
3:24PM
had pms yesterday but didnt know that it was pms, so i thought i was actually upset about proper things rather than stupid random monthly hormone bursts. i got pissed with ross and huw and sarah.
ross dropping me off at asda yesterday morning. it was an okay day 9-5. 9-2 on the tills with no break. after 1/2 lunch break i still hadnt recovered. the tills werent as good without terrypin on the island to natter to.
he superglued a 5p coin to the floor to annoy the sercuity people. he used to be a graffiti artist in bristol, and has a portfolio of photos of his graffiti, but is worried about the police finding out about it, because for a while they were trying to find him. he did some really large work of train tunnels, and they were trying to find him.
i was saying, i like graffiti when it is beautifully done, but i really hate ugly graffiti. and that point terry work up and said very forcefully 'god i hate crap graffiti' i suspose he would.
if people were given more places to do graffiti legally, they would probably do more beautiful work, because they would be pleased, and proud that their work was wanted. often graffiti is just angry damage, like stratches on train windows.
terry keep pretending that he shut his fingers in the dvd draw, and so, thinking he was actually hurting himself, i keep saying 'oh, are you ok?'. i was annoyed when he said that he had just been pretending to hurt himself, to get attention. thats really kinda pathetic.
terry said that he spends all his time playing computer games whilst high. his girlfriend is quite pissed off with this. to solve the problem he bought lots of girly computer games, and tried to get her to enjoy them. it didnt work, and the problem isnt solved, and plus he has wasted lots of money of the girly games. what a silly sod.
also he is worried that he has an eating disorder because he never eats.
seems to me that he is another one that has got through life acting pathetic, and neglected, and people have mistaken it for cuteness and taken him under their wing. but i was happy to met someone who knew about 'chuck rock' the pixcelated caveman of my childhood.
oh better get ready for work.
i had beans on toast for breakfast this morning. and i have borrowed a billy goat comedy viedo.
gill was happy to have a copy of tapstry.
mum bought me some special gloves, and a cool hippy top, which i looove!
weeeeeeee!
better walk to asda, the land of very bright lights, which make my body clock confused.

Current mood: sick
(comment on this)
Friday, December 17, 2004
12:08AM
i was at ross's this morning, and the lovely boy gave me a lift into college after a spendid night together. we sang along to queen in the car. in art i doodled, and coloured in heathers pokemon army shadows, in her nice square sketch book. I WANT A SQUARE SKETCH BOOK! jane and stacey bought me a tiny chagall art book! its so cute, and it was just a guess that i would like him. he is one of my favourite artists! thankyouu!also gave out and received many a pretty card. yvonne gave me a lift home, in her very blue car that smells like her horse chloe. shes an old horse, and her husband counted up how much money they had spent on the horse and complained. but yvonne said about all the enjoyment of having the horse, plus all the friends they have made through the horsey world, have made it well worth it. good for her! everyone who can afford, and look after, and enjoy a horse, should have one! they are such lovely creatures, with lovely long noses, brushable tails, and can wondeful to ride, (hmm bit like rossicle!) and they gallop through fields, and you get the wind in your hair and feel alive, for once. oh i love horse-riding. ive i worked, i could play for horse riding lessons, and guitar lessons, and singing lessons. and then i could sit on a horse with a guitar and sing songs to ross. lalalala! your great! lalala! after college i went home and talked to my mum, and i cried about how i felt like a freak at school.
i walked to asda, and after half of my walk there was over i had stopping crying, and started making up songs about asda being silly. i enjoyed myself! i think the people in the cars with there windows open might have been a bit confused but, hey, it doesnt matter!
asda was actually okay, and in the second half i did some more till-training with a nice girly. bleep bleep. i talked to ashley, and he randomly brought up the subject of purbrook park. he said 'yeah people werent very nice about you, but i stuck up for you, i said that rowan shes alright, she just isnt a lemming.'
haha!! i told my mum that, and she said 'sometimes people are like angels and tell you exactly what you need to hear.

Current mood: rejuvenated
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Tuesday, December 14, 2004
6:39PM


You Are From Uranus



You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric.
You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude.
Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential.
Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone.
Your original thinking and funky attitude is all you need to be you.





What Planet Are You From?


Current mood: angry
(comment on this)
6:06PM
walked to college after having made some rather tasty (or so i assumed at the time) sausage and mayonaise sandwidges. was cold again on the way to college. i must find my coat. in gainers lesson, we did a christmas art quiz! it was quite fun, and we came second *said very quietly* out of 3 groups... had a lunchbreak. jules brought in her homemade cup cakes and i had one of them, mmm. then we went up the the libruary to look at the art books. julia looked at the bead books. she is going to do the bead stall with matt!

in yvonnes lesson i sat down with my new red sketchbook (which exactly matched my socks!) and copied Munch's work into biro. the dogs people are making out of cardboard are looking good! it feels nice to have a whole new sketchbook, i kept cramming extra stuff into my old one and it was getting a bit cluttered and claustrophobic for the beings in its midst.

i really need to find my old glasses, or buy some new glasses, because my vision has got so bad that the other day i saw a black blob by the bathroom sink and thinking it was a earring, picking it up between my finger and thumb, and it crunched, and squirted out stuff, and i looked at it a bit closer, and it was a DEAD FLY! ha! im glad i didnt try to put it through my ear! *squirms*

when matt was driving me and julia back, we hit a Bambi. :( it twitches and died. or as mum pointed out might have died and then twitched. i hope the latter is true. i think i already wrote about this yesterday.

spoke to ross briefly on the phone. he is still ill but a bit better. i said its not good that he is still ill but it is good that he is getting better. he said that he reached the same conclusion. i would have liked to she him today, but was also tired, and cant really afford the bus, and it was getting late, so i guess ill see him trmw, or the next day. rossssssss!

yesterday i worked out from all my moods on my diary entrys for the last few months that i am happy 3/4 of the time! which is pretty good! yay!

Current mood: calm
(comment on this)
Monday, December 13, 2004
10:18PM
woke up after quite a good nights sleep after long ADSAness. walked to college and got very cold. not sure where my warm winter coat is, wish i grew them like animals do. but then again i wouldnt like to molt.
also i really need some gloves. my fingers turn into icicles, and although they are handy for making seasonal window displays, i would rather have warm fingers. anyway, as i was saying, walked to college, into lesson and settled into a painting, people and creatures. i have been told that my creatures look rather a lot like dogs, which is dissappointing because they are meant to be a sort of 'universal' creature. a simple, cute quadiped (however you spell it) with features that dont define it as any particular species. but they are, by democratic vote, dogs. but as their maker, i think i should be able to say NO THEY ARE JUST GENERAL CREATURES.' but i better not say that to ross because he would say ''General Creatures reporting to duty!'' ahh ross, still glowingly sexy, despite sniffles, coughs and General Illness. he has a strange thing where it hurts to move his eyeballs, and so he has to turn to look at something, whilst looking completely straight ahead all the time. it is a little spooky. glazed clay animals today, and they look all ready for their entrance into the hellish realm of kilm, all for the sake of beauty, poor things, but its got to be done. skipped over photography class today, and went to matts little shed with jules. had a nice time looking through bead magazines. matt wants to have a bead stool at the market. its a small dream of, despite not being very interested in beads, he thinks its a wonderful idea because he will be his own 'boss' and decides his own hours. i remember when kirsty and mia were intrigating him about what his dreams where, and he kept saying that he didnt have any, and eventually he said that he wanted a little cottage in france, and they clapped their hands and said 'yes! that a good dream!'
its so important to have dreams. at least it is for me. i would feel so lost, if i didnt feel that i have things i want to work towards. i want to work, to go to art school, to travel, to get an arty job, to marry, to have children, to be rich, to have a beautiful house in a beautiful place, to grow old, to have grandchildren, to not die feeling that i missed out, or wasted my life. i think its a pretty basic dream that a lot of people have, but i dont mind. it will hopefully be the living of it that makes it mine.
in matts shed, we looked at beads, and watched childrens tele, matt taught me some scales on the guitar. i really want to learn the guitar now, even though my fingers are a bit too short. i wonder if i could buy a very slighly smaller guitar, that i could practise on without hurting my finger (which have already had the icicle treatment) ewww i just sneezed on the laptop screen, the rainbows looked nice though.
at ross's house, had debates about gm crops and designer babies with ross and his mum. i think i have maybe been swayed towards gm foods. i didnt realise that they could control the engineering so much, and i didnt know that they had done 5 years of testing, and that they are very safe. also i thought a bit more about the possiblity of being able to feed the third world. how wonderful would that be. all those starving bellies, finally fed.
just think of what these people could achieve if they where not suffering through the lack of essentials. watching 'the day after tmrw' and seeing the third world countries welcoming us into their land, after the developed countries freeze, sent a shiver down my spine. i really want to do something to help these people directly. i worry that i take too much for granted, and this would be a good wake up call.
ross was talking the other day about the tanks going into iraqu, and the americans playing loud music with lyrics like 'let the bodies hit the floor' booming out of the speakers as they blasted the civilians. the attitute in many of those men, was 'yeah im gonna go shot me some iraqu people' it made me feel sick to the core. they even used to play computer shoot'em up games before killing the real people, to make it seem less real. its scary. somehow knowing that they were playing loud music, humanifies the whole sitituation, and it really hit me when he said that.
anyway better go, i cant be late for another of gainers lessons! there is much to gain, er, from them.. i might need to argue with her if she starts making statements like 'dadaism was a lot more important than surrealism' again. grrr.

Current mood: loved
(comment on this)
10:18PM
woke up after quite a good nights sleep after long ADSAness. walked to college and got very cold. not sure where my warm winter coat is, wish i grew them like animals do. but then again i wouldnt like to molt.
also i really need some gloves. my fingers turn into icicles, and although they are handy for making seasonal window displays, i would rather have warm fingers. anyway, as i was saying, walked to college, into lesson and settled into a painting, people and creatures. i have been told that my creatures look rather a lot like dogs, which is dissappointing because they are meant to be a sort of 'universal' creature. a simple, cute quadiped (however you spell it) with features that dont define it as any particular species. but they are, by democratic vote, dogs. but as their maker, i think i should be able to say NO THEY ARE JUST GENERAL CREATURES.' but i better not say that to ross because he would say ''General Creatures reporting to duty!'' ahh ross, still glowingly sexy, despite sniffles, coughs and General Illness. he has a strange thing where it hurts to move his eyeballs, and so he has to turn to look at something, whilst looking completely straight ahead all the time. it is a little spooky. glazed clay animals today, and they look all ready for their entrance into the hellish realm of kilm, all for the sake of beauty, poor things, but its got to be done. skipped over photography class today, and went to matts little shed with jules. had a nice time looking through bead magazines. matt wants to have a bead stool at the market. its a small dream of, despite not being very interested in beads, he thinks its a wonderful idea because he will be his own 'boss' and decides his own hours. i remember when kirsty and mia were intrigating him about what his dreams where, and he kept saying that he didnt have any, and eventually he said that he wanted a little cottage in france, and they clapped their hands and said 'yes! that a good dream!'
its so important to have dreams. at least it is for me. i would feel so lost, if i didnt feel that i have things i want to work towards. i want to work, to go to art school, to travel, to get an arty job, to marry, to have children, to be rich, to have a beautiful house in a beautiful place, to grow old, to have grandchildren, to not die feeling that i missed out, or wasted my life. i think its a pretty basic dream that a lot of people have, but i dont mind. it will hopefully be the living of it that makes it mine.
in matts shed, we looked at beads, and watched childrens tele, matt taught me some scales on the guitar. i really want to learn the guitar now, even though my fingers are a bit too short. i wonder if i could buy a very slighly smaller guitar, that i could practise on without hurting my finger (which have already had the icicle treatment) ewww i just sneezed on the laptop screen, the rainbows looked nice though.
at ross's house, had debates about gm crops and designer babies with ross and his mum. i think i have maybe been swayed towards gm foods. i didnt realise that they could control the engineering so much, and i didnt know that they had done 5 years of testing, and that they are very safe. also i thought a bit more about the possiblity of being able to feed the third world. how wonderful would that be. all those starving bellies, finally fed.
just think of what these people could achieve if they where not suffering through the lack of essentials. watching 'the day after tmrw' and seeing the third world countries welcoming us into their land, after the developed countries freeze, sent a shiver down my spine. i really want to do something to help these people directly. i worry that i take too much for granted, and this would be a good wake up call.
ross was talking the other day about the tanks going into iraqu, and the americans playing loud music with lyrics like 'let the bodies hit the floor' booming out of the speakers as they blasted the civilians. the attitute in many of those men, was 'yeah im gonna go shot me some iraqu people' it made me feel sick to the core. they even used to play computer shoot'em up games before killing the real people, to make it seem less real. its scary. somehow knowing that they were playing loud music, humanifies the whole sitituation, and it really hit me when he said that.
anyway better go, i cant be late for another of gainers lessons! there is much to gain, er, from them.. i might need to argue with her if she starts making statements like 'dadaism was a lot more important than surrealism' again. grrr.

Current mood: loved
(comment on this)
Saturday, December 11, 2004
11:00PM
stayed at ross's last night.. had a brilliant time :) so brilliant that it fueled me through 6 hours of 'my first day' at asda, with a beaming grin on my face! story about mice in cereal boxes and sleeping in cotton wool which i shall tell at a later date. nice old lady showed me how to use the tills. i said that she did well to learn all the codes for the fruit and veg, and she said 'yes! im not at all bad for 70, am i!' she was funny and warned me about the dangers of accidentally weighing your boobs. i got a badge that says rowan! i was surprised that they had one. walked home happily. had tasty food, and then did sit-ups, which i should have really done first, but at least i did them! thats another tick on my chart. im well on the way to a lovely stomach. haha, im so vain, its lucky im quite pretty, or i would be constantly frustrated! watched futarama with parents. i think my parents are watched some kind of soft porn at the moment. hmm, ill pretend i dont notice. i have to be up at 7! to had a relaxed morning and still walk to asda for 9. im quite looking forward to it really, but im sure the novelty will wear off. i have a rowan badge! i already said that but i dont care! i exist!! eee! nothing usually has me name on it.. last time i worked there everyone called me rachel because they couldnt find me a rowan badge. badger!
im randomly drinking hot water. i have herbal sleeping tablets in my tummy but they are not working. hmm, increasingly worrying sounds from the television, i better go!

Current mood: ecstatic
(comment on this)
Thursday, December 9, 2004
10:35PM
woke up and felt crap and decided not to go to college. mum and dad gave dan a lift to the station and i went with then to go to adsa because they want staff again. i didnt have my national insurance card, passport etc, so i walked home, and then back up to asda. and back home again. im going in on saturday for the group selection and then hopefully starting on sunday. it will be weird to have a job again but i will be very pleased to have some money on xmas eve and in january, and then maybe i can continue to work there at the weekends. it would be nice to have a little trickle of money coming in, i think i will be especially happy about it, because i have gone without a job for sooo long. back at home, i settled into my sketch book, go club arrived. had tasty food, listened to joni mitchelle and rolling stones... talked to ross on the phone, but was too tired to talk to him properly. noticed that his 'dog' voice and his 'old man' voice are very similar. :) i only have my retard voice, my universal accent, and my baby voice. and im not allowing myself to use the baby one anymore. *waa* must. be. grown. up.
talked to mum today and she was saying that having children has been the best thing she has done in her life, and that she is so very proud of all of us... i gave her a hug, and we nattered a bit, then i showed her my sketch book and she said that it looks like it is all coming together. i realise that only boring sketchbooks get finished, so its probably a good thing that this one has so many 'lose edges'.
mia might be setting up a cleaning business, and dan might be making a sushi restaurant.. interesting stuff.
dans restaurant, if it comes into existance, will also be a gallery and then i could sell some of my work there. how cool! dan worked out how to make my camcorder work. he stayed up till 2 am, figuring it out. it was very kind of him. he just said 'oh it was annoying me, i wanted to solve the problem' that is such a good attitude, to have. i think giles has that a bit too.
I'm seeing ross tmrw! im so excited! and im sure that when im not a living corspe, through lack of sleep, i will be even more excited! eeee! i can have a bath and make my eyelashes long, and wear a cute dress. im actually quite looking forward to dressing up. it isnt fun dressing up when there isnt a ross about, not that he minds much about it, but it still makes it more fun. its going to be so good to see him!! i must exercise some self control, though, because the last couple of times i saw him, i went manically, insaney happy. uncontrollable fits of giggles get a bit annoying when they last for hours, so ill have to be caalm, otherwise it will multiply and multiply and all my energy will go into trying to make there be pauses inbetween my giggling fits....
im so tired. *big yawn* *little stretch*

Current mood: tired
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Monday, December 6, 2004
11:14PM
woke up at jennys, she gave me a lift back to my house, where i had coffee, and then set off the college. mum was annoyed in the morning because they have lost half of the xmas cards, and dad didnt seem to care because he was pre-occupied. did lots of artwork, designer dogs, hair clips for mouths, colourful inks, all the colours worked, and it is an interesting, funny and quirky two pages... in photography i went to sculpture and made a doll house sized bed out of wood, and then made it look sort of burnt with sponged on black arylic (the same that i used on my fan sculpture) mark (pointy shoes) stayed behind too to do some more to his plaster goblin, his mum was there too because she had an evening class, and he seemed really embarassed about her being there. nice quiet workshop, did some felt-tip pen and ink drawings of lucy cassons aluminium sculptures. got hot chocolate from the machine to keep my hands warm on the way home.

Current mood: cheerful
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Sunday, December 5, 2004
5:29PM
<º))))>< its a fish!

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Sunday, December 5, 2004
5:08PM
woke up and stayed in bed reading. mum bought me a cuppa tea and some allsorts. felt a bit ill, and a bit better.
stayed up late last night writing down my goals and dreams! i think paul mckenna has trained me well! haha. but, i would be very interested in doing another self-help programme. i must have listened to about 7 cds today, i even did some singing in the empty echoey room. i love singing, its still crap, but i really enjoy it. i think when i start learning to play the guitar that might help me to get a better sense of what is in tune. tried doing some more 'life' drawing from the book, but for once, i really didnt feel like doing any art. went into a daydream about ross, and felt all sparkly. then when i came out of my daydream i felt very hungry. i made pasta and tuna and mayo... mmmm.. vague sense that i should be doing more artwork, and making peoples xmas presents.. have been thinking about trying to write some songs, but it is much more difficult that i thought, i get distracted trying to imagine which notes a musical person might put with the words, and then i cant think of more words. maybe it is best if i think of it as writing poems.. i looked through my old art books, and they still look crap, and my current art work doesnt look that good to me either, and yet i know im a good artist. its just when am i going to start doing some really good artwork? hmm. i supose my old work was good for the time.
im going out to the pub tonight, for huws birthday. i made him a card with a snowman on it. good old huw gudder. mum is doing some sewing, singing along to the queen that i put on, and dad is looking through a 'go' book. hmm maybe i will get drunk tonight. it is my last tenner though... hmmm. 'we are the champions my friends! no time for losers!' weeee! cant wait till friday and 3 weeks with the lovely ross. *mwah* weee!

Current mood: peaceful
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Saturday, December 4, 2004
6:32PM
yesterday got grumpy, being cold and having a cold. but then jenny agnew phoned me up, and invited me round. she even gave me a lift! we watched a documentary about snakes and drank tea and biscuits, then vodka and interesting fruit juices. matt and chloe came round. we got stoned and giggly. chloe told a funny story about when matt was little, and he thought vaginas were called lillies. and he was scared of pot plants. and then he went to the loo with his mum, and said 'your lilly has a plant on it, and i dont like it!' i found that very amusing.
twas a good evening, although later i felt a bit sick and dizzy from the pot. and i couldnt get through to rossicle. mmm ross. not long now. only 6 days... and the arty college week always whizzes by. i wonder if i can keep my room tidy till ross comes back. i just ate some sardines and bread and it was sooo tasty. first thing i have eaten today!! wierd i havent felt hungry, i think i stuffed mysef yesterday, and i slept through most of today, so that would be why i havent eaten.
this morning woke up at the agnews. jenny went back to sleep. i read some more of my book and then made an illustrated thankoyu note to jenny.
then i went round to julias and we played bust and move and frogger

Current mood: happy
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Thursday, December 2, 2004
11:33PM
woke up, late for art this morning. chatted to liz about Munch, and copied some pictures from the photocopies. yvonne is interested in me painting more people from life. scanned my things from cad (i should have just got them directly off the network) i changed colours on photoshop, experimented with negatives, and warped some of the piston like structures to ripples and spherisedness. i never like working on the apples as much when the printer is down though. so i went to the libruary and browsed, found another book by mavis cheek (ross giggled at her name) same author as the sex life of my aunt, which i read in reading (the place). i have decided to read the Munch book cover to cover, to help my mental artistic articulatering components. hehe. listening to garage *the trick is to keep breathing* reminds me of finding nemo *just keep swimming, just keep swimming*
went to philosophy, i have become the gob of the class! talked about materialism, dualism, and idealism. im a materialist i think. ross is a materialist on the side of dualism, but he is openminded towards idealism, but he says he hasnt looked at that that much yet. mum and dad are surprising idealism people. talked about secondary and primary qualities. very interesting, it seems very blurred when you look closer.. jon the teacher said that i was asking degree level questions and he couldnt answer them during the lesson time beause he had more basic time to cover. fair enough, im not even an offical member of the class, but i seem to be the most keen on the subject. well i usually am.
walked home in the freezingness, which cant have helped my cold. had two packets of lockets today.. funny how they taste nice when you're ill but horrible when you aren't.. go club, japanesse food, mum did my hair up n a cool bun (mmm buns), and i tied dads hair up in a pony (tail) he didnt resist, and which was surprising, i think he is a bit drained at the moment, and its xmas too, which isnt his fav time of year. mum says the music is too bouncey, and that i shouldnt stay up too late, to get myself into bad sleeping patterns again. but i feel that i could stay up ages and just do art work, so maybe i should seize the moment!
i tidied my room! woo! i feel better, gill was right. i even moved my bed, and sorted out clothes and stuff. might go and get boxes tmrw. new go ladder with stars. tidied up with mum, she said 'oh you are domestic, i just didnt notice! yay! have a nice long chat with ross, and giggled lots. felt really close to him whilst we were talking. i did make a concious effect to talk about him, and not just me me me. *chorus* its not all about you rowan* its much more fun that way. and he doesnt tell me all the details unless i ask, or grunt in a listening sort of a way.
tmrw, its only a week til ross comes back into my arms. i was talking to mum about magic and said 'he doesnt get as many cuddles as he used too.... like me really' and she said 'oooh, rowan' and gave me a big lovely cuddle. i do like cuddles!
met dewy and his new girly today, and she got annoyed because dewy gave me hugs and said about how cool i was (my coolness is because im with ross, apparently! grr*) and didnt introduce her. she is really very beautiful. i smiled, and asked her name, and said nice to meet you and things like that. i must give him back the satanist bible. hananah still talks about dewy a bit. i think she misses him, and regrets being unkind. hope she learns from it.
i like hannah, because although her little screams and baby talk can be annoying, she is basically a brave and tough person. she has a lot to put up with, with her family, and the work load of college, and her job. i really find her very good company. she is a sensitive, talented artist, despite ossasionally projecting herself as a small irrational child. i hope she finds a lovely man to be crazy with. :)
i think i have written quite lot now. funny how easy it is too write lots of streams of consciousness, and so much more difficult to structured essays. its like the difference between having a chinwag, and giving a talk on the radio. hmmm.. *ponders*
its also funny that there is so little about cuttlefish casting on the internet. dad says i could get godfrhey to help be cast metals. i like metals. apparently my dads side of the family have always been keen on metals so maybe its in the blood! ironmen! wooo! iron girl shall be me name.

Current mood: accomplished
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Wednesday, December 1, 2004
8:13PM
countdown to see ross, equals 9 days! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Current mood: bouncy
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8:07PM
dammit, just lost my diary entry again. basically good day. cuttlefish moulding, revolution in cad, MUNCHing through research, tasty pam pie, finished painting for jen, looking forward to philosophy tmrw, helen did multilayer glass, julia did giant beads, and i made little creatures out of clay... my throat hurts a bit. wasnt cold, because of my lovely black poncho. looking forward to chatting to ross. watched a bit of futurama with my folks. yawn.

Current mood: accomplished
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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
10:13PM
countdown to see ross equals a week on friday!

Current mood: optimistic
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9:39PM
took photos this weekend, came out well... must print them off, maybe my new art project will be christmassy... hmmm.. i see plastic reindeer, they see dead people... also bought four sex and the city videos for £10... bargain! i think the series is really funny, i dont care if everyone thinks its sad! maybe a bit of me identifies with carrie.. only without the shoe obsession/ singleness obsession. i like samatha too, at least she is who she is, and people know about it. i think its mean when girlies are secret sluts, cause it confuses men. if they just made it clear, then it would be the mens fault because at least they would be given all the information. hmm muddled thoughts.
i realised when watching the programme, that i have never even been out on the pull before. i dont see the appeal in meeting drunk men in a dark place with a little skirt. i wasnt even interested in men for ages. hmmm lets list early crushes. it was kyle (throughout school), then ash (as soon as i came to college, and discovered i was attactive, woo!), then german guy, then it was james, who was first bf, i pretended he was nice (it was easy to invent a personality for him because he had none) and he pretended to be nice. he gave me vodka and drank beer, and he re-introduced me to lots of music that i had listened to as a little girl.
i began to realise that it was a bit strange that we could only talk when helen was around, and then he dumped me nicely, and went out with her in secret until i could adjust to the change. he is the most boring person i know, but i did invent a rather interesting imaginary personality for him. it was difficult when that imaginary person died though. ha, the disadvantages of an overactive imagination. i imagine so much, but thats the first time i have ever imagined a whole person. i made up so many excuses, and reasons for his behaviour, without thinking whether they were based in reality. ross said that he too, thought that tabby, was someone that she was not. she made a bob marley cd for him, and apparently i look like her. helen told ross that i was like her, and so he shouldnt go out with me. that was mean. what if he had taken her advice? what if helen had argeed to go out with ross? thank god things are the way they are now, for me. i am luckiest girl in the world. and so is ross! ;)

Current mood: nostalgic
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9:21PM
havent written for a while. had a brilliant time with ross. nice night out at the registry, met lots of people i know, and also made friends with an arty girly, who had met sarchi (as in the sarchi gallery) she seemed cool and we clicked, i got her email address, must email her soon. had the best meal ever with ross's family this saturday. although i did feel a bit shy, i had a brilliant time. its weird, i keep on feeling shy around ross. he is at the bar in reading now, he emailed me to say i could phone him if i want, but i dont think he will want to be disturbed if he is chatting with his friends. had a good day at college, but didnt turn up for gainers lesson (sleeeping) but must talk to her about this still life essay, and copy up notes etc. made a dog out of cardboard! it was really fun! it was cute with a big floppy tounge. yesterday after my first photoshop lesson (despite having studyed it for years) i made a breathing postbox on the computer. very monty python! maybe i will just go straight for this computer aided design lark, its so fascinating, and definately an area where there is a lot of growth at the moment- toystory, finding nemo, incredibles. Also there is much growth in computer games, i watched ross play 'Half life', and i was amazed at the quality of the graphics. i thought i had cad today, but its tmrw. i stayed in the libruary for an hour, found a book called the modern primatives, full of art that i love, put into this wonderful new catergory that i havent come across before. got a bit drunk with mum and laughed to the simpsons, walked down to the wine shop to get vodka, walking past the little thugs that suzy writes about in her article for the news. we lit a fire and dad made tasty japanessey foodies. the simpsons was very funny! they must be the world authority on comedy, now. hehe. tried to phone ross, but couldnt get though. got my first text from him in a month, saying that he was at the bar but he could phone me if i liked. oh i think i have already written this! oops. i had chips and cheese and beans for lunch! oinks! mmm it was tasty though. its getting very cold now, i must remember to wear my warm coat on the way home! well thats it for today. getting more and more arty, but a bit more sleepy. must exercise occasionally, i dont want to become too walrus-like... on that note, goodnight!

Current mood: drunk
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Thursday, November 25, 2004
9:06PM
woke up at the 'agnew family home!' gave riki his medicine and baxter his biscuits.. walked into havant, and got the bus to college! it was fun! i was a bit late though but nobody minded. i did some work, looking at munch and hockney. talked to liz, which was really interesting, she told me that i am a very sensitive person, visually and generally. i walked home happily, with my heavy bags from staying over at ross's. i took apart a video tape, and plaited it with holographic paper, listening to the mushroom folk music. then i made a sort of squid out of it and filmed it being waved about under the light and the interesting shadows that it cast.
played a game of go! still not very interested in go anymore though. feel like i could be a quite strong player if i tried, but i cant be bothered! ha! watched friends, thought about ross. then he phoned! we were both really excited on the phone! i cant believe that im going to see him tmrw!! its a bit surreal, sooo exciting! i said to ross, i feel like im going on holiday or something! he was cool, but i could tell he is reay excited too! way hay! next time i write in this diary, i will probably be with rossssssssss. rossssssssss. eeeeeeee! *composes self* ahem

Current mood: excited
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
8:51PM
actually its only 3 days!

Current mood: even more excited!
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8:38PM
I am at the agnews! i didnt go to college today. i talked to my mum lots and cried a little. im a bit worried about my future and feeling a bit lost in general. i also wish i had more close friends.. i talked about when i wanted to go to austrailia it was a lot about proving myself, and because my mum was always like 'when i was your age i had travelled around the world..' i felt their was a quiet expectation that i would see the world. i cried quite a lot. my mum says i am probably too inward looking. she thinks it is interesting that i want to go to do work experience at purbrook park, and thinks i need to lay some ghosts to rest. im going to go to see the conseller on friday, even though it is the day ross comes back. i did think about not going because i dont want to be getting all emotional when we are out. but if i dont go, i will have to wait another two weeks to get conselling. also think it would probably make me feel a bit better, and would make it less likely that i become an emotional wreck in ross's presence, with wouldnt be very nice for him, especially because he is only back for 3 days. mmm i sprayed some of his perfume on me, and it smells sooo good. :) i feel good!
sarah came round to visit me at the agnews and we had a good old giggle, and sang soppy songs. i talked to ross on the phone, and also jenny.
i had a tasty ready meal. thankyou gill! she hid the money behind the bread bin for me! aww.

*countdown music* countdown to see ross is 4 days! can you wait? or will you explode before he comes back? you must learn to pace yourself! 4 daaaaaaays.

Current mood: excited
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Monday, November 22, 2004
12:01PM
Was going to walk into college with jules, but matt gave us a lift in. We were early, and sat in the cafe til art. Yvonne went crazy with us for not setting up our art equipment straight away. Hannah stormed out of the lesson. Stacey burst into tears for no apparent reason, again. And finally yvonne walked out and didnt come back for a long time. She quietly explained when she got back that she was sorry, but at university we would very often be left to get on with it ourselves. Julia settled down and drew some beads. She was very focused. I think its the first time she has been fully focused on her sketch book since starting the course. Helen didnt turn up til the second half. I painted a frightening face, scanned my paintings (one for ross's birthday, one for jennys xmas present) they scanned well. Then i found that my little creatures had been glazed, and i enjoyed painting them, and giving them shiney eyes made with gluegun glue. in photography, sat and listened to duncan and then went off to take some of our own photos. Walked home with a very heavy portfolio. i thought it might be healthy to carry it home, but it just meant that i was shaky and miserable when i got in. Parents are back from japan, and also exhausted. Appartenty japan is like another planet, nothing like either of them expected. Mum gave me some cutsy presents, a giant flannel with hello kitty on it and a little cat with a bell to hang on a mobile phone! they are very cool, and it was very kind of them to find them for me, because it sounds like they were rushed off their feet from the word 'go' so to speak. made beans on toast, which was much needed. Spending little money on food, incase i was given the left over money (how cunning! but i really want money to go to reading) has proved very worthwhile, as i know have exactly the right amount to go to see ross the weekend after he comes back, maybe. hopefully i will have a job soon anyway.. mum says the house doesnt smell very lived in and bad things were, cat hair on the bed, and dead flowers. the washing machine is on, washing the smelly towels. i should remember to wash them next time. tmrw i get to stay at the agnew house! which will be very nice even without them there. i will be going after college, if i go tomrw... i might not because gainer isnt in and we only have a short lesson after that, and i would probably get a lot more art done, sitting at the agnews house with a baxter kitten on my lap and a very feeble, old riki dog smiling up at me!! also i could choose a nice film to watch, and easy tea making facilities in the *yawn* morning. not long til ross comes home for his birthday- i must try to find a nice frame to put the painting in, and maybe a nice extra present too. its difficult to know what to get him because he is the boy who has everything, and doesnt really want that many things. i would find it strange having a room with so little in it, and no secret corners containing secret boxes of private thoughts, and strange collections of strange things that i have collected over the years. but seeing that i dont really look in the boxes, or use much of the stuff in my room, it probably wouldnt make that much difference if none of it was there. except i suspose i really want to have all my old sketch books and diaries, as im sure my past thoughts will be interesting when im old and possibly set in my ways. ha. its exactly eight o'clock now, so im gonna phone ross, as he will be just picking up the phone to phone me! :)
I couldn’t get through to Ross, so I had a nice hot bath (to save time in the morning). When I was out and dry and hair brushed, Ross phoned, exactly as I was thinking, hmmm what next. I really enjoyed talking to him. He is getting his essays out of the way, so that he doesn’t have to do them whilst he is back for his birthday. He says that some people are getting stressed about deadlines because they have left it all to the last minute. He isn’t stressed. He had slept in-between lessons today, and isn’t going out tonight because he is too tired. He is really looking forward to the meal on Saturday, and ‘having a chat and a cuddle’ in his own, rather cutely chosen words.

Current mood: sleepy
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Sunday, November 21, 2004
11:25PM
played scrabble with ross's parents the other night! twas very enjoyable.

julia and matt are round at the moment, been watching futuramamama and drinking vodka and coke.

ive done a painting for jenny for xmas! it turned out really well! :)

mum and dad are back tmrw.

i have been asked to look after the agnew household whilst they are on holiday. woo!

countdown to see ross equals 5 days! eeeee! excitement mounts!

Current mood: happy
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Saturday, November 20, 2004
4:43PM
im feeing sad. im all alone in the house. im listening to cd after cd. everything would seem quite crap today, excpet i have been invited round to the agnews, to have tea, and convesation and to wake of there in the morning. :) im really looking forward to it. gill if even coming to pick me up. 15 minutes... a few more songs, and im whizzed off to Agnew Land! yay! im still sad though, but that has definately brightened things. and i except ill get to talk to ross on the phone later too...
i dont know why im so down. *sigh*

Current mood: sad
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12:00AM
Maybe the purpose of life is to fill up diaries... hehe.

got up late, made fishfingers and tomato on toast! mmm. had a bad tummy ache, and realised that my bad mood yesterday was pms! i really need to keep a record of my bloody periods, cause i keep getting pms, and thinking something is actually wrong. had some pain killers and a hot bath, and felt better.
i thought again about a painting for ross's birthday, i did two pictures. it was really hard making it realistic, but i know thats what ross prefers. i dont like realism very much, i enjoy pictures more when they reflect the persons mind more than they reflect techniqual accuracy. i forced my creativity not to shine through, and i made a very good copy of a picture in an art book, which is very realistic- i surprised myself in two ways. a) by enjoying the 'excerise' and b) its really good!
so i have proved to myself i can do realism. ha!
watched futurama again, and did a bit of housework. made le tuna and la mayo, and les chips in a bowl. it was most tasty.
talked to ross for a bit, and im sure he was being rude to me. he was arguing that my parents are wrong for being out of work for so long and getting money from the government when they were able to work. i couldnt be bothered to get too annoyed, i just told him i think he was being rude, and made a mental note of it.
he is also teasing me about just liking 'pretty' ideas, and not being interested in 'the truth', and being more interested in how ideas make me feel. im a bit irrated my this and want him to think that i think about things a bit more than that.
he also said that i just pick out information that supports my theories. this is so harsh! im open-minded, dammit!
i dont feel very understood. ross keeps getting cross when we debate. i dont think he is ok at the moment. i'll make it my mission to find out whats making him irratable, and sort it out. i want to be able to happily bounce ideas off each other, like we usually do, and not feel like im being attacked. 'rowan DO you THINK anything THROUGH properly?' he isnt being very sensitive.
he is nearly always tired when i talk to him on the phone, so maybe we should arrange another time to phone each other. 8pm might be too late.
i wrote a letter to my art teacher, asking whether i can do work experience at pps. i think that would be really enjoyable, and also a good thing to put on my cv, and a good way of getting contacts in the art world.
i also looked on the internet for local jobs, but i got confused, and a bit upset. i wish i had a job, but its so difficult to find something that leaves some weekends free to see ross.
i might be going to portsmouth tmrw for jennys (drama) birthday. but nobody has my telephone number, so how am i meant to know when to go? i probably shouldnt spend any of the food money anyway. yet again, i should have been more organised.
just seen the photo of my and ross at my 18th, which is up on the wall, and im all smiley.
sarah and jenny might be sleeping over tmrw! yay! company!

Current mood: creative
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Friday, November 19, 2004
12:34AM
» Passing Through

I saw Jesus on the cross on a hill called Calvary
"Do you hate mankind for what they done to you?"
He said, "Talk of love not hate, things to do - it's getting late.
I've so little time and I'm only passing through."
Passing through, passing through.
Sometimes happy, sometimes blue,
glad that I ran into you.
Tell the people that you saw me passing through.
I saw Adam leave the Garden with an apple in his hand,
I said "Now you're out, what are you going to do?"
"Plant some crops and pray for rain, maybe raise a little cane.
I'm an orphan now, and I'm only passing through."
Passing through, passing through ...
I was with Washington at Valley Ford, shivering in the snow.
I said, "How come the men here suffer like they do?"
"Men will suffer, men will fight, even die for what is right
even though they know they're only passing through"
Passing through, passing through ...
I was with Franklin Roosevelt's side on the night before he died.


leonard cohen, is like my third parent. today i needed his lyrics to remind me, that i am temporary. and here i am passing through my life, and i am in love. nearly everyone wishes that they were young, in love, secure, with a good family, in the developed word, full of opportunities, doing exactly what they want to do, full of hope etc etc.
it is like this perfect world has been created around me, and all i can do right now, is howl like a wolf.

He said, "One world must come out of World War Two" (ah, the fool)
"Yankee, Russian, white or tan," he said, "A man is still a man.
We're all on one road, and we're only passing through."
Passing through, passing through ...
(let's do it one more time)
Passing through, passing through ...

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Thursday, November 18, 2004
11:21PM
i miss ross so much. i just want to be around him. almost to to the point of taking the food money my parents left and getting the train in the middle of the night to see him. but not quite!
i can wait a week. ill be busy with my art course on monday. its just this weekend. with the guilt of not having a job, when my mum wrote 'good luck with the job hunting on the letter she left' - which means 'get a job rowan! i just want to see you happier, and part of that includes a job' well my art course is a lot more important. although i dont need money i would like some. i want to be able to buy people christmas presents, and to be able to get the train whenever i want. its going to be so fantastic to see ross. *im crying* i just miss him like theres a huge gap in me. i always feel a bit lonely, but without ross, its just more so. but the sadness is only superfical, because i am happy, because i am with ross. and he is the most fantastic person i have ever met, or expect i will meet. ross is just magic, and he pours it all over the pace, and still is beaming with the magic. god im being soppy *hits head* i never thought i would get soppy! i used to make sick noises at girlies that missed their men. but now look at me. bloody pathetic. isnt it meant to be enough to love yourself? i do love myself, but im worried because im starting to feel a bit reliant on ross. ross must be there. and yet, in the philosophical sense, there is a chance he is planning on dumping me. what would i do, rowan. what would i do? i thought you were tough and not effected by men. who fed you that nonsense? who? argh. its just one of those days, that i am fortunate my life is not filled with.

im lost.

Current mood: drunk
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7:52PM
woke up, when to college. looked through an interesting art book. it was about an artist who muddled up stuffed cuddly animals with taximedry. disturbing images of dead birds dressed in knitted garments. talked to my textiles teacher about it, and also about vegatarianism. 'i dont eat anything with a face' she was a vegartarian for 10 years, but it got difficult cooking for her chidren and herself seperately. i talked about stacking ham in asda, and thinking about how many animals i had put on the shelves. i liked talking to her, i think i judged her a bit as just a fashion person, but she is interested in lots of things. we did talk a little about fashion, mainly about fur, and its history in the fashion industry, and about people wearing dead birds in their hats and foxes around their necks. the artist we were looking at had changed it round so that the dead fox, wore her mother. and the dead birds wore humans clothes.
i also talked to yvonne about her and synaesthesia, a condition that she only recently (in the last three years) discovered she had. she sees letters as colours and days of the week as colours. i tried to imagine what it would be like if i had it. i have had experience of that sort of crossing of the senses, by pressing my eyes, and taking the mexican mushrooms in holland. i wrote a list of what colours i might imagine the days of the week to be-

monday- white
tuesday- brown
wednesday- orange (browny)
thursday- grey
friday- black
saturday- yellow
sunday- orange (yellowy)

it was interesting. i thought i would pick mostly bright colours, but i knew instanty which colours to pick, and they seemed exactly right. i think i picked dull colours, because normally i only use days of the week when i am being organised, in the holidays, i never really think in terms of days of the week.

i also wrote out an alphabet, bu i wont write it all out here. i thought yvonne might be interested to see them, maybe some of the colours cross over with hers. its very interesting. a lot of artists and philosophers have had the condition. their is a theory that everyone has it when they are little, but we learn to tune it out.

went along to jenny's philosophy class (i went home for lunch and a bath). we looked at david hume, who thought that cause and effect might be illusions. it was fascinating. i talked a bit about my parents teaching me some basic philosophical ideas when i was little, and wondering whether it was too early to benieft from it. also about telling jenny when we were little 'but they could all just me robots! (soliquilism) - i think thats how you spell it. its a very lonely view, but there is no proving it wrong, and also no point in believing it. i made a tasty mixture of stir fry and chilli today!

late last night i watched my film of baby jessica, she is so cute. i wonder who she will be. i bet she will be musical, good hearted, and strong minded. she has the look of great determination in my eye, and i get along really well with her. she is my first real experience of watching someone grow up, whilst i am grown up. its gonna be a great journey. mia said that donna said i am really good with jessica, and can do things on her level, and then change into doing things on my level, easily. if that makes sense. i think she worded that better then me. im going to try and phone beautiful ross again.

Current mood: curious
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
10:19PM
more of the relationship questions from the internet. ross hasnt replied with any answers to the first ones yet, so i havent sent him the rest. but here they are!

What five things have you done in your life that you are most proud of?

I don’t know. I’m proud of my grades? I don’t feel proud very often, I just feel pleased when I do things well. I sometimes feel proud of my artwork. I’m very pleased with myself for attracting your wonderful self.

If your partner had an affair, how would you react? Could you forgive him or her?

If you secretly had another girlfriend, I don’t know how I would react. I hope I would listen to you. But I think if I could completely forgive you it wouldn’t be for a long time. That’s a difficult question. Thank God I don’t have to worry about anything like that!


Over the last five years how do you think you have changed for the worse? Better?

I think I have improved almost everything about myself since I was 13! Maybe I was closer to my family then, and a bit stricter with myself about doing work that I didn’t want to do.

On which topics do you feel qualified at giving advice?

I feel that I can give people good general advice, eg. If someone has fallen out with a friend, or is feeling hurt or angry. I think people are usually good at giving themselves advice and I’m just good at guiding them when their thoughts are muddled.
I can give good advice about art projects to people in my peer group.
I’m good at editing peoples writing.
I’m would be good at helping people with graphics.


If you could live one year of your life all over again without changing a thing,
what year would you choose? Why?

This year with you because its been fantastic being with you.

Do you prefer receiving expensive gifts or ones that come from the heart?

I like presents that show thought; they don’t have to be obviously ‘from the heart’, just thoughtful.

What first attracted you to me? How has that one attraction changed since then?

You have a big presence about you, like you are creating an atmosphere all around you. You are so obviously secure and confident. You have an amazing smile. Your wonderful eyes. You are so clever and interested in things. Your sexy voice. You love to explore ideas. I’m smiling now! You just fill me with wonder.
Now I am attracted to you much more strongly than before. You are incredibly articulate and expressive. Strong minded and sweet. You make me laugh! You are positive and clever and good. You inspire me. I love feeling so intimate with you. Now that I am seeing you less, I don’t get a chance to get too used to you. When I do see you its overwhelmingly great! I love you.

If you suddenly became blind, how would your idea of the perfect mate change?

I would still feel the same about you if I were blind. That’s obvious isn’t it? I would need you to support me as I adjusted to being blind.

Are you currently comfortable with your body? If not, what would you change to make you comfortable?

I’m very comfortable with my body. I would like to be slimmer, more toned and I think I would like bigger boobs.

What do you think are your optimum hours of sleep to be fully energized?

10 hours sleep, and I’m revitalised.

If you could plan any vacation for us, where would it be?

I would like to give you a ticket to the moon. We could stay up there all day, look down on the world and float around....

If you had to pick a different city to live in with your sweetheart and proximity to family and friends didn't matter, which city would it be?

I don’t know! That would take lots of talking about, but if it was up to me to decide, I would like to live in a little room in Sydney with you.

If you had to take a paid sabbatical and couldn't work for an entire year, what would you most like to do?

Go to art school, which is what I’m doing anyway!

If someone wanted to give you a $50 gift certificate to use on yourself, which store/theatre/spa would you tell him or her you wanted.

I would love to see a musical in London.

How do you feel about friends, relatives or people in need living in your house for a year?

Well that’s up to my parents, so I wouldn’t have a say in it. But I think I would like that, if they were nice people. It would add another dimension to the household interactions.

Do you think it is risky or unhealthy for your mate to have a best friend of the opposite sex?

We are best friends, but if there were another girl who was a very close friend of yours, I wouldn’t mind. I only say this because I really trust you. As for me I tend not to get very close to men. Probably as I grow up I will be close with a number of men. I think this is natural. I think people only get worried about friends of the opposite sex when, for whatever reason, they don’t trust their partner.

Do you find it very difficult to say "no" to your mom or dad when they want you to do something you would prefer not to?

I don’t know. I hope they wouldn’t ask me to do anything that was unfair. I find it easy to discuss things with them, but ultimately they probably hold a lot of power over me, they just don’t use it. I don’t know whether this is true.

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7:39PM
woke up rushed to college. drew the hairdressers dog in my sketch book! watched susanna make a dog out of wire, and sat coiling wire. ate cheese sandwiches and felt a bit sleepy. scanned and printed in graphics.
went to my Cad lesson and made a 3d robot with toes and buttons and a big sad mouth. made it fly around the screen for a bit and then printed it out from different angles! its the beginning of a my great 3.d adventure into the worlds of programmes such as inventor, flash, and myself. walked home in the dark, didnt go to drama today. at home i made tasty food- cod and stir fry and mixed beans and sweet corn and peppers, all mashed up. mmmmm.
at the moment my favourite childrens names are malcolm, alice and matilda.
talked to jenny logical online,
I know I should be finding this ironic, but actually I'm just bored as hell! says:
in the othet lesson we keep discussing the existnce of god
I know I should be finding this ironic, but actually I'm just bored as hell! says:
i keep getting sheets and thinking, yes! its foolproof! it must be true! then he hands out another sheet saying all the reasons its flawed.

sounds like jenny logical is enjoying a good dose of philosophy, although discussing quantum physics made her head hurt.

thoughts of the day are,

MAKE A DOG OUT OF WOOD AND BURN IT AND TAKE PHOTOS OF IT BURNING! WOO!

and

today it occured to me that nearly everything is mostly a collection of prisms.... is it not?

Current mood: curious
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Tuesday, November 16, 2004
10:13PM
woke up, went to sleep, woke up, went to sleep, woke up, realised i was late for college. walked to college. met stacey, jane, steve, rob etc in courtyard and said hi. they questioned my lateness, and stacey gave me tips on sleeping. then went to talk to helen and julia, who were spaced out like buddist monks staring into space. i told tham that, but the just laughed. helen was saying the other day that if she didnt have college she would have probably become an alcoholic. and jules agreed. its a bit sad, but at least it wil keep them on the art course were they belong! made things out of aluminium today! our new project is to design dogs! its quite unusual and a lot of people are a bit confused about it. after college looked through craft and stitch mags and talked to jane. i waited for my cad lesson, but it was the wrong day! stupid rowan! *bangs head* back at home i phoned auntie jean (one of the things on mums list) and she said that mum said to her to phone me incase i was lonely! lol she said the same to me about her! also phoned jenny lodgical to say i still have her 'change your life in seven days book' (it worked) and her rainbow necklace (it worked) then i went round to see suzy and chatted to her for a bit, shes learning how to make ravoilli. yay! she talked about the torpedo cat from next door, and the time when it ran into the locked cat flap BONK. then i went home, and watched a *cough* dvd, and then i phoned ross who just wanted a normal convesation, so i phoned him back later. we had a nice chat, although he was very tired again. i was so ingrossed in talking to him that i burnt my pizza. i cant wait to see him! he is the best! woo! its nice to think lots of people must feel very happy with their partners, i mean i know i think i am the luckiest girl in the world, but looking at it logically, there must be lots of people who are as in love. and i think that is great to think about. al that love slooshing round the world. lets hear it for love! eeee!

Current mood: hot
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Monday, November 15, 2004
10:57PM
walked to college from gi and mias, did sewing in the morning, learnt chain stitch. yvonne assured us that we are all gonna pass! and in photo, scanned with sus and mark. and later talked to duccan about computer aided design, animation, flash, and programmes that create gravity and stuff for your computer puppets! twas very interesting.
when i got home i watched some *cough* dvds. which were enjoyable. talked to ross briefly. i cant wait to see him! the days are ticking away. tick tick, TOCK! goes the clock. hmm. rowan should have sleep.

Current mood: hot
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Sunday, November 14, 2004
9:50PM
Mias 21st Birthday!

Stayed over last night, woke up to play with jessica. she was very cute. she blows raspberries if she is cross, and hisses is she is happy. she likes to pull hair, look in mirrors and she can crawl and fed herself! i filmed her on my camcorder, so that should be fun to play back when she is older. dad brought balloons, party poppers, and a 21st birthday banner, and two wooden bowls, which we put sweets in. mias parents arrived, but her mummy didnt recognise me. mia made an amazing roast dinner, and we have cake!! twas a great day and mia got all excited! me and donna played bust a move, but i didnt enjoy it as much today. browsed through giless music and listened to gomez, yellow taxi, etc. i cant be bothered to write anymore, i hope i manage to walk to college in time tmrw morning! i already have had a bath so that should save some time. yaaawn.

Current mood: pleased
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Saturday, November 13, 2004
7:18PM
oh i just wrote a diary entry and it got deleted by accident! grr! basically lazy day today, been downloading, eating my chili, and made a stir fry, and watched futurama, and got a card for mia bug wendes, cause its her birthday tmrw. i was going to go see them but jules didnt get back to me.. i would phone back me i dont really feel like going out anymore. its cold in the house, and radio four is playing, which makes me feel less lonely. im not really listening to the programme. i talked to ross at five for a change, i normally talk to him at 8. i really cant wait to see him in two weeks time. im not going to be able to keep my hands off him! hehe :)

yesterday went into college with jenny so she could quit her course. she is quitting because she doesnt need the course to do nursing. everyone wished her all the best and one teacher said 'i always thought you were much too clever to me doing a levels again anyway!' nobody has ever tod me that im too clever for there course!
i made a film of the woods yesterday too, and went i played it back it made me feel dizzy because it was so spinny. im trying to make my films more like adverts, and not staying too long on one shot, because i dont think that looks as good. im looking forward to getting a proper editing programme so i can make my films look extra cool!
i emailed aarron too catch up a bit, and i asked him what programme he used to do ross's 18th birthday film. i miss aarron a bit. when i was first going out with ross, i was seeing ross everyday, and jenny was seeing aarron everyday, so i got to know him quite well. jenny said he used to do panormic photos. so i want to ask him about that too.

jim came online to talk to me. he said that he used to have a panoramic camera but his mother threw it away. he invited me to see some of his panoramic photos in with all his a level photos. no thanx! oddly, he was also was sending me photos of himself and a video of him saying hello, appartently so that i woud know i was talking to a real jim and not a robot. i joked that it would be easy to make a robot version of him. but he quickly agreed and i felt a bit mean. he said he is probably coming to the same art school as me, winchester. i dont know what i think about that, because i dont know who the hell he is, or whether i would want to be friends with him.

Current mood: lonely
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Wednesday, November 10, 2004
11:05PM
had a fanatastic time visiting ross at uni. it was really good to see him, and we went out for a meal for robs birthday. very filling.. felt spaced out on the way home, it was weird only seeing him for a short amount of time, and all the time with other people around, but still well worth the long journey.
this morning i missed ceramics. i went in for graphics, with was rather unproductive. i went to my computer aided design class, which was excellent, and highly enjoyable. i did a big 3.D doodle and but the engineering boys keep on saying whats that, so i told them that it was a tank. and they looked confused. i like the little geeks though. one of them asked my permission to shut the window! awww! after that i went to drama with sally, sam, jenny, and sarah (thats her name!) it was really good and i pretended to be an alcoholic! woo! sarah gave us a lift home. and at home i made a chilli, which was very nice, but the onions weren't very 'relaxed' (as gill says) and there was a bit too much! i phoned ross in the bath, which saved time, but i think i got some water in the phone because his voice kept on going robotic. had a nice little chat. i might have to go up and see him before his birthday...

Current mood: cheerful
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12:14AM
I found these questions on the internet. I have answered them, and you can answer them too, if you so wish. They are designed to be good questions to ask your partner. They are just the first few questions. Here are my answers…


Is it ever appropriate for someone to express anger in a physical way? If so, when and how?

It is acceptable in any situation where both people want to be involved in the violence, unless they are insane, or children. It may be slightly more acceptable if the person has had a partially traumatic experience, or if the violence is very tiny, for example flicking someone on the arm cause they stole your cookie.

If a fire destroyed your home and all of your belongings, what would you do? If
you could take out three things before the blaze, what would they be? (Assuming there is no one in the house at the time of the fire.)

I would run in and rescue my family photo albums, then my sketch books, then my diaries.


When you are sick and feeling poorly, do you like to be alone or do you like to
be pampered and have someone close to your side most of the time?

Depends, sometimes I like pampering, but I don’t like to feel like a nuisance.

Do you think you would prefer a calm, loving, consistent relationship or one that was full of excitement, wild times and rocky patches?

Hmmm. Life generally isn’t very consistent. So I think long relationships are more generally more real when they have ups and downs, and there is a lot to be learnt from this. But certain things need to be consistent, like being alive, and being in love.

What makes you feel secure and safe?

I usually feel secure at the same times when I don’t feel self-conscious, embarrassed or want to make a good impression. I feel secure when I am just being totally me, and not worrying about much.

I feel safe nearly always.

Which do you think should have the final say in decisions - logic or emotions?

Both. It depends very much on the situation.

What rituals could be added to our relationship that would help us to remain close?

I don’t think we need any set ‘rituals’. We phone each other regularly already, and this is great. I think when we spend a lot of time together, like in Holland; we are good at giving each other a bit of space.

Do you need to hear "I love you" or similar words on a regular basis from your partner?

I know you love me so I don’t absolutely need to hear it all the time. I love to be told it. I feel a need to express what I feel. I love you, so much.

What does my family do that annoys you?

They are all really wonderful peoples. I have enjoyed getting to know them, a lot. I think your mum feels a bit protective of you and Jenny. It annoys me a little. My mum doesn’t worry about me, and I like that, it makes me feel trustworthy and independent.

There! Done, that was fun. Hope you enjoy it too. Love from your questioning girlfriend, Rowan xxxx

Current mood: thoughtful
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Monday, November 8, 2004
6:53PM
woke up feeling fairly refreshed. tried to sleep last night with herbal tablets, and relaxing voice of my hypotist. put on my new pink zippy thing, and black cords, and put bits and bobs in my new bag. felt very new walking to college. went to art. i made felt and sewed ugly faces, and sewed on top of cocoon strippings, and old handmade felt. you have to sew it on top of another fabric to stop all the loose bits of wool falling into the very expensive sewing machines, and mangling them. (walace and gromit voice) 'mal-function' *giggles* had a good lesson, i sewed over wool which looked amazing! hurrah! im very absorbed in my art work at the moment, i want to be in college 24 hours a day. its so interesting, and i can feel my brain absorbing it all.
helen brought some of her birthday cake in for me today. jims mum bought it for her which was sweet of her. trisha, deliverer of babies and collector of all things collie dog.. it was very tasty chocolate cake, with thick marzipan icing and marzipan flowers, that made me hyper. in photography i learnt about panoramic photography, and talked to the inspectors. walked home with susanana, who was trying to explain to me a complex situation between some girls in my class, that involved bitchyness. i didnt understand, and i dont know whether i really cared either. maybe i should care because it involves a lot of peope i know. ah well. back at home mum was ironing and dad on laptop. jean has had her eye done today, mum is just giving her a phone. i must go and see her one day... give her some flowers or something. anyway i think im going to go and lie on my bed and listen to joss stone again and then ill give rossicle a phonicle. ahh ross. i get to see him tmrw! eeee!

Current mood: bouncy
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Sunday, November 7, 2004
6:44PM
Runaway

Say it's true, there's nothing like me and you
I'm not alone, tell me you feel it too

And I would run away
I would run away, yeah , yeah
I would run away
I would run away with you

Cause I am falling in love with you
No never I'm never gonna stop
Falling in love with you

Current mood: Soppy
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5:56PM
mum woke me up and we went to asda. we stayed there for 3 years! i meant hours. years. hours. i bought a joss stone cd, we had breakfast there, and got food for when mum and dad are in japan. also got ingredients for a chilli... back at home, mum said 'i expect you will be glad to see us go' jokingly. but i suddenly burst into tears and cried for an hour. dad said that was 'self indulgent' which confused me and upset me more. then i went to have a bath, because i was very dirty.
lol. my dad is listening to the simpsons- 'YOU CRUSHED MY BOYFRIEND! YOU BETTER BE GOOD AT MAKING OUT!' dad giggled. tee hee!
mum called me, jan and ray had come round with a chilli! lol! i was just going to make a chilli! dad said darkly 'you were lucky' i said 'but i wanted to make a chilli' it was a bit surreal, there were all the same beans and stuff that i was going to use. mum and jane talked, me, dad and ray sat and ate the tasty food. i tried to think of things to say, but couldnt. i wonder how people see me. later i went and worked on my sketchbook and mum came upstairs and knocked on my door and asked whether i was ok. i said i was, and she came and lay down on my bed, saying that she really liked my bed and talked about decorating my room with colours and shelves and things. i mentioned that she had said before that they might be moving out. i dont believe tit will happen because they have said it at least 3 times already and not gone. i think if they were going to move out they would have done it by now. what would the point be in decorating my room if i am only going to have it for a few months? mum said if she had a room like mine for only a week she would want to decorat it. ha.
mum has been laminating japanesse symbols for the trip. dad if finally chilling after having worked all day, sitting it front of the tele watching the simpsonsi have college tmrw, then after college the next day i will be off to see ross for the evening... ahh! hey i want to phone him now... bye! i had a nice time listening to joss stone today :0) she has a lovely voice. SUPER DUPER LOVE! WOOO!

Current mood: sad
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Saturday, November 6, 2004
11:06PM
talked to my parents yesterday about feeling lonely and distant from them. i cried a lot. mum said 'rowan went away for a while as teenagers do, and she might be coming back now.' i insisted that i was back. i was very emotional and wailed a bit. then ross phoned and said that he was sorry i was feeling sad and asked me why i was feeling sad. and i didnt really want to answer. i was so tired and muddled then, i just wanted a hug. ross said that i shouldnt be too hard on myself because im great! i went to sleep imagining that he was with me.
this morning mum woke me up and we set off for chichester! i had a lovely day with my parents, and we had a meal at the chinesse restaurant that we used to go to when i was little. found jacket from jigsaw in a charity shop which makes me feel very professional and grown up. its the kind of jacket that you want to wonder round in and imagine that other people might think that you are important! that sounds pathetic doesnt it! ah well. *imagines striding past the crowds in posh suit* i bought a black and white flower ring to remind me of my nice day. mum also bought for me, a poncho, black cords, a pink cardigan, and some jeans. she bought some black boots for herself and dad got a new shirt. they looked very nice and english in their tweed, looking forward to being in japan and looking very english. i talked about maybe going to chicester art school, but mum says it isnt very good. winchester is better. i like winchester but it is the only one i have been to, so i am bound to be biased. ive decided to see the careers adviser at college, and also the dietician! mum made a nice coos coos meal, and said how easy it was to make. we are going to cook tmrw and maybe use the sewing machine too! :D im really looking forward to that. just spoke to ross briefly. he is at reading with his dad, and they have just been out to a restaurant and now they have gone to have a walk around the lake and have a joint. that sounds lovely! ross's dad wants me to make him a red and yellow card to critisize people at work with! because my parents have a laminator. im not writing very well today. hopefully i will be better at sleeping because i bought some herbal sleeping tablets. i think its mainly placibo, but if it works, it works. and if it works, i think that will have a sight positive effect on everything in my life... my life. just heard john peel on television, saying that he would like 'teenage dreams so hard to beat' on his tomb stone. he is dead now. it was nice to hear him talking about his death as 'when the time comes' and he didnt seem worried. i hope i am ike that when i am an oldie.

Current mood: blank
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Friday, November 5, 2004
11:04PM
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(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2004|11:04 pm]
i_am_your_idea
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

WWW.BLURTY.COM/USERS/I_AM_YOUR_IDEA

this is a nicer presented version.. not that anyone reads it!
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just keep digging just keep digging [Nov. 5th, 2004|10:49 pm]
i_am_your_idea
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]

6:01PM
went to london yesterday with art class. me helen jim and jules picked up lots of information from the art schools. jim set up his tripod and took pictures of a car crash outside the business centre. me and jules got lots of cheap paint! it was fun on the way back playing 20 questions and party games with me art class. went to the pub with julia and matt after that, phil and matt came down too. we had food and drinks, and a nice time. matt taked about what dewy was like at school. julia stayed round last nite and we watched jackarse, and i doodled. we walked to college this morning and had food, and then i went off to conselling, which was very good. will write more about that later. and i joined helen and jules in the art class. i made a version of a painting by gaugin. then i walked home with jen and sparky.. and ive just got in, washed up and eaten. suzy and mike just popped round for a chat..

Current mood: contemplative
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Wednesday, November 3, 2004
9:01PM
woke up feeling very tired, seeing that i went to bed early for a change. had a bath, and rushed off to college. in ceramics, glazed tile, racku fired my lug pot, made little creatures out of clay, and drew pot. at lunch time sat with julia and helen in the coffee house. none of us said very much. julia bought me a coffee, which was nice! didnt feel very good though. felt dizzy, a bit ill and very tired and not much like talking to anyone. in graphics scanned and printed work... which was quite relaxing. julia was bored all lesson because/so she didnt do anything. although she did point out that she would like to make a chain of paper people holding hands. after tutor, i went to the libarary, browsed art books (including MANRAY) and looked through the BBC wildlife magazines, which had beautiful photos from their wildlife photography competition. a baby seal floating in the water, looking right at the camera, a polar bear dead in the snow. then in autocad with sally, giggled because i could make my 3d shape spin around on the screen. then me sally, jenny, mark, sam and (linda?) went to drama club in portsmouth. interesting. did a scene from a romance. called 'the forbidden door' we set up two people either side of a 'door' and the rest of us ran inbetween them acting as obsticles- eg money problems, jealously, lack of trust. i choose to be money! i said to the girl 'you dont want to be with him he is poor!' and offered her riches etc, then whispered to the boy, to spir things up a bit more! twas fun. before that we were in a soap, and i was meant to be with mark and he admitted his gayness to me and i gasped. also reading lines from brittiny spears in different voices, eg, hero, villian, victim. i was the director and i controlled the level of body expressiveness! it was very interesting. got a lift home and saw my parents! am very tired, but im off to london early tmrw....

Current mood: tired
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Tuesday, November 2, 2004
6:32PM
friendly but stubborn,
intellegent but self-absorded,
good hearted but distant,
open-minded but judgemental,
creative but lazy....

Current mood: contemplative
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6:01PM
sewing at college yesterday, and showed off photos. then got a lift back with julia, stayed at her house for a bit (her mum kindly made me bacon and eggs!) before going to ross's house with a ross in it. twas realy lovely to see him, to see him lovely. i had a cheese burger, and then he gave me a lift back to my house to get my passport (for id) which i had forgotten. we all went out to route 66, a four story, wonderland of music, blue butterfly lights, drink and happy people. i had a spendid time dancing, talking, drinking. i met a couple of girls from my art class, and christina, who i hadnt seen since school, i gave her my email address, and she said she would email me! yay! we got back at 2am, and sat up and smoked and chatted for a bit. jenny and ross were very very drunk. ross said 'things are difficult for me because im not fucked up' which concerned me a bit. also he pretended that he was going to open the car door when it was moving along. wow, ross misbehaving! it makes me feel a little pleased. sometimes i get iratated when he is perfect because it makes me feel like a big heap of issues, and like wise, sometimes i like it when he gets it wrong, because i feel sensible and can put things right for a change. does that make sense? went to bed at about 3am, then woke up early to watch jen open her presents.. lots of them! then gill, ross and jen went to wetherspoons for birthday food, and i got the bus to college, where i made things out of wire, and then ws inspired by miro (again) in the library. walked home whilst reading a self help book about relationships. it was interesting. i liked the idea about seeing being in love as a 'mutal venture'. the person in the library looked strangely at the book when i got it out and said 'hmm yes, they are always interesting, no mattter what you believe.' got home, phoned work and jenny, not very positive results. work will phone me back and jenny might be able to pay me tmrw. magic is asleep on the table. still havent seen my parents yet. not seen them since thursday. hmm. would phone them, but im very tired, and i dont feel like i would have anything to say. the house is very quiet. i expect the agnews are having their chinesse now. ross was saying how much he would enjoy that, after just havent uni foods. i will give him a call later.. i didnt eat till 5pm today, but still didnt feel hungry, i also didnt feel very tired even though i only got a few hours sleep. that a bit weird isnt it! magic is twitching, i think he is dreaming.. i can hear the clock ticking and all the empty spaces around me feel very big.

Current mood: lonely
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(no subject) [Oct. 31st, 2004|09:06 pm]
i_am_your_idea
[mood |calmcalm]

Sunday, October 31, 2004
6:46PM - a man in the street played the dire straites on his guitar. me and ross walked to the station.
You get a shiver in the dark
It’s been raining in the park but meantime
South of the river you stop and you hold everything
A band is blowing dixie double four time
You feel all right when you hear that music ring

You step inside but you don’t see too many faces
Coming in out of the rain to hear the jazz go down
Too much competition too many other places
But not too many horns can make that sound
Way on downsouth way on downsouth london town

You check out guitar george he knows all the chords
Mind he’s strictly rhythm he doesn’t want to make it cry or sing
And an old guitar is all he can afford
When he gets up under the lights to play his thing

And harry doesn’t mind if he doesn’t make the scene
He’s got a daytime job he’s doing alright
He can play honky tonk just like anything
Saving it up for friday night
With the sultans with the sultans of swing

And a crowd of young boys they’re fooling around in the corner
Drunk and dressed in their best brown baggies and their platform soles
They don’t give a damn about any trumpet playing band
It ain’t what they call rock and roll
And the sultans played creole

And then the man he steps right up to the microphone
And says at last just as the time bell rings
’thank you goodnight now it’s time to go home’
And he makes it fast with one more thing
’we are the sultans of swing

Current mood: pleased
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6:05PM
well the rest of my time at reading went very well! we had a nice laid back day, ordered pizza, watched family guy. later we went to the Purple Turtle pub.i chatted too dave (caveman) and greg (my son) who are very sweet boys, who see ross as some kind of father figure, as he helped them get settled during freshers. lots more costumes, mostly cattish and devilish girlies, including Ginny and her man, alex and various others who i cant remember the names of. ross bought me lots of nice orangey drinks, even though i resisted a bit because they were so expensive at the main bar,and they wouldnt serve us at the student bar. had a really nice time, and found it very easy to chat to the people i didnt know. i think everyone makes a bit more effort to socialise during the first bit of uni. purple turtle was a very cool pub, and it had posters all over the walls and lots of funny graffiti in the girls toilets. stayed up for a bit when we got back. interesting hearing the laddish conversation. i realised that i never really get to hear laddish boys chatting in groups. one of them was very arragont boasting at how many girls he had pulled in one night. the other boys, ross's friends arent like that, but they do write down there 'score', on the back of a poster. there are different amounts of points for a kiss, a blow-job and sex etc. there was arguement about whether 'getting a shag', was worth a total of ten points, or whether it was worth ten points plus all the points for the foreplay activity. i found it very amusing, and joked to ross that he must have got quite a few 'points' this weekend to tally up on the poster. he said 'no. rowan. it doesnt count because i have a girl friend!' just spoke to ross on the phone- he was just checking that i had got home safety- awww! im staying over on monday, must make it to my lesson the next day though, cause i cant pretend to be ill again!! im feeling very tired and energyised after seeing ross. everythings all autumny and fireworks explode in the sky, and i identify with something about then. i am a flash of light that will die into dust, i hope i make people go oooo. hmmm what a strange girl lives in my skull. this weekend i started and have nearly finished reading 'the sex life of my aunt' by mavis cheeky.

Current mood: satisfied
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Friday, October 29, 2004
6:07PM
just had a talk with ross. about how i get into silly states when i am drunk. its a cycle that goes, oh no im upset, im upset about being upset, im upset about being upset about being upset.. etc etc. im sick of it, and not surprisingly so is ross. i need to learn how to recognise these negative feelings when they start and learn to put them into perspective. eg. im drunk, and confused, thats not scary, its not the end of the world. even put things into the larger perceptive of my entire life. also ross is annoyed with my untidyness, which i intend to correct, whilst i share this space with him. he seems to have been quite irratable today, getting annoyed about small things like my things not being in my bag, putting the food on the table, moving his neat piles of bedding off the bed and onto the floor so i could lie down. he can be rather fussy, but i do love that. just as he minds so much about the small things in ideas and concepts, he minds about them in their less abstract forms. he has been playing on his computer game, making a pretend band on the internet, and sleeping a lot. i have been reading my book, writing my diary, looking through some photos, juggling... its been quite a nice day although we have been quite seperate, well most of the time anyway! ;)

Current mood: calm
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1:16PM
im in reading! late last night i was talking to jane on the internet. i said 'what are you dont up so late?!' and she said that she couldnt sleep because she was too excited about seeing her man at uni. hehe! snap. snap. and then there was something that wasnt snap, and so i said ' a crocodile with tape over its mouth!' and she found that very funny! hurrah! a real joke! well almost. anyway, i got the train in the morning, and set off carrying my halloween mask in my hand, because i didnt want to crumple it is my bag- i had asked my dad before ' what would you do if you had to carry a mask?' and he said very seriously, 'i really dont know' so that was another source of amusement! the train whizzed me very quickly to reading station, where i sneaked up on ross from behind. lots of multicoloured butterflies! we hunted down a burger king, and i went completely loopy! seriously! i couldnt stop laughing and being silly. that volcano that i was talking about before, well it erupted in the most unexpected manner! i was perfectly sensible on the train- like a 'zen monk' i told ross. he pointed out that it wouldnt be very sensible to act like a zen monk on a train, cross legged going oooommm. hehe! i was very centred and calm though, and bubbles of happy lava came from my brain, and then BAM! well after the walk to the uni, i had calmed down a bit- i expect most of my energy was being put into digesting that huuuge burger. we had a sleep when we got in i think. and then got ready to go out and i started drinking a pink drink and a purple drink that ross generously bought for me. we took photos of everyones crazy costumes- lots of people dripping in blood. costumes included tarzan, mad docotor, hula hoop girlies, kittens, bunnies, and a rather scary pirate with a big moustache that tried to kiss me. the place was full of confusing music that was played so loudly that i couldnt hear people. i didnt fill like dancing so i just stood. then ross started saying that i should make a bit of an effort to enjoy myself so that he could enjoy himself. and i said i wished he could enjoy himself, without me pretending i want to dance. i felt weird being behind a mask. i found it weirdly relaxing not having to worry about my facial expressions and voice ( my voice was very muffled behind the mask) we were both very tired and grumpy. i had a cry on the way back as i usually do when im drunk. ross was an angel and conselled me which i dont think i deserved, seeing that i had been so self-absorbed (well selfish) for the whole of the once in a lifetime party. i think some of the messages my mum has given me confuse my thinking, but there is a part of me that thinks ross shouldnt have a bad time if im in a sulk. i hate upsetting him so much, it does tempt me to pretend im happy happy happy, because otherwise when im sad, i am the direct cause of his sadness for my sadness. argh. my mum never showed when she is upset because im upset. i think she actually hid it from me. its comforting to hink you have no negative effect on other people. but recently i realised, my mum gets upset, if im down. but she believes the best thing to do, is to stand back (even when its hard for her to do that) and let me work things out for myself. the theory is that thing makes people more independant, and stronger. but in my case it didnt work. i still dont know how to consell myself. but then i look at other people, and i realise they often have even less ablity to do this. so maybe it gave me a bit of a head start i dont know. my thoughts are all muddled at the moment. im looking forward to having the conselling on friday. it will be nice to explain things to someone that doesnt know me, so therefore wont have as many pre-conceptions about me.
i really enjoyed going to ross's philosophy lecture and took lots of notes about persons and humans and identity. im going to take them with me when i go to jenny lodge-ical's lesson on wednesday. interesting the stuff about body-swapping. one of the things in the paul mckenna hypnosis cd was to imagine your spirit coming out of your body and into the body of someone who loves you, and then look at yourself through their eyes, and then go back into your body, hopefully feeling a bit better about yourself. not a good thing for me to do, maybe, cause i already love myself rather a lot. but there is a bit of me that thinks very little of me. i want to dig it out and stamp on it. and on that cheery note. i think ill leave this entry for today. ross is sleeping and his body is very straight, arms by his side. he isnt snoring! the room is dark, curtains closed- no letting gods good light in today(!) and the little red light is lighting the room a little, so i can type. which im going to stop doing now!

Current mood: embarrassed
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Thursday, October 28, 2004
11:58AM
im off to reading! im so excited!!!! *grins* *runs in circles*

just spoke to ross himself on the phone. he was checking i had his posters with me! haha! he thought i might forget! i didnt though! i wrote it down three times! hurrah for organisation! must whizz now and i do mean urinate. ROSS!

Current mood: giggly
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(no subject) [Oct. 27th, 2004|10:06 pm]
i_am_your_idea

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more days [Oct. 27th, 2004|09:58 pm]
i_am_your_idea
[mood |bouncybouncy]

Wednesday, October 27, 2004
9:54PM - last day before seeing ross! hurrah!
phoned up asda this morning, and they said the couldnt give me the job at the moment. so i went on monster.co.uk and looked for another job. found a telesales thing in portsmouth. i got the bus, and i took the 'dazzle pack' with me so that i could take it back, (they happily gave me a refund! yay!) At the telesales place - brookstreet, i filled in forms and took a spelling, computer and listening/typing test. all went well, and they said that the people in waterlooville are looking for employees, excellent! even closer! it was pouring down with rain, and it was cold, and i got the wrong bus, and i had to get a lift, and that pissed mum and dad off, and that made me felt bad. back at home i cheered up a bit with a cuppa and a nice suggestive chat with ross. then i went online, and sparky popped up, saying jenny is really ill and lonely, and could i go and see her. i said i would phone her, and seeing that she was crying her eyes out on the phone, i ran round to cheer her up. she was in a lot of pain from a kidney infection, and upset because she was on her own, and sparky wouldnt say why he wouldnt come round. i gave her a hug and chatted for a bit. and walked home in the dark, jumping over puddles, running down hills, and getting shouted at by trick or trickers. just got home and im munching some rather tasty food that my clever mother whipped up. ive found out the train times for going to see ross, tmrw- yesssssssssssssssss! but i havent packed yet. im not too worried about getting to sleep, because i am just sitting on the train, and i can have a doze when i get there.. maybe! *imaginary pounce on beautiful rossicle* must not forget his additional posters.. and the cd i made for him, hope he likes it.

Current mood: accomplished
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1:43AM
the guy from home truths died today. he was great! i saw him on tele. he lead an interesting life, and said he was happy. so its not that sad really. im just sorry i wont get to hear 'home truths' anymore. he has such a lovely grrrrowly voice. i didnt know he was old!

Current mood: okay
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1:15AM
had a cry about cooking. god how pathetic. talked to my mum about cooking, and why we always find it so difficult together. she talked about how her mum taught her to cook from an early age, how she was upset about auntie jean, and how she feels so close to me, like she is me, and thats why shes finds it hard when i cant cook. but i WILL learn. and whats more important is i will learn how to make cooking fun, and show mum how we can make it fun. its something that bothers me greatly. i feel like such a failure (so far) when it comes to cooking. i feel guilty because my parents have cooked me so many lovely meals, and i havent helped. mum showed me her cookery book from when she was little. i think the reason i get so upset about this is because, its been an ongoing, unresolved issue, it makes me feel terrible about myself. i dont feel i know where to start. but i will start. and it will be fun. i cant let this defeat me. when i was cooking with gill it was fun. so i dont think its the cooking itself that i dont like. its the whole complex issue around it. its my mums attitude to it, and my guilt. its lots of things, im starting to cry again now.

Current mood: guilty
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Tuesday, October 26, 2004
6:33PM
ive had a nice day today. i went walking on the heath with my dads digital camera. i walked for an hour and a half and took 100 photos, some of which were excellent! and when i got in, i photoshoped quite a few of them, whilst listening to the cd i made yesterday and gomez. i gave them interesting titles... when my parents got in i shoed them to them, and they were impressed! i also sent some to dewy, who was on msn. he really liked the dramatic one of a row of identital houses, with big angry clouds and dark shadows, called 'death of a small dream'. later i talked to one of dewys friends who has fallen out with him, and tried to sort out the problem. she wasnt the most logical girl. i think i helped a bit. :) time passed quickly today, as i was completely focused on my landscapes project. the 5 hours i worked went past in the blink of an eye. i had some nice hot sweet baked beans on interesting bread. mum bought two magazines from the little girls who are running a make shift shop on the pavement. i was reading some of the beauty magazine that is aimed at 7 year olds, and it was rather concerning. i wondered do the parents actually read the magazine before they subscribe to it? do they just trust the producers! i read one article that said sabrina (the big role model for all small girls) doesnt have a boyfriend, but she doesnt mind because if she gets lonely she whips up some 'man dough' and magics a temporary man to go on a date with. sooo worrying. in english a level, we were taught to look for attitudes and values that are in a text. here i can find the following, a) girls are lonely when single b) men are objects c) quick solutions/ delusion are better than actually solving the problem (sabrina being lonely) why is she lonely? why doesnt she find real people, instead of using up her magical resources creating illusionary people, when surely these powers could be used for much more moral and less selfish means. ah well. better help mum with the computer...

Current mood: artistic
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